Holding plans loosely

The theme of this year seems to be making my plans and holding them loosely... as God comes in and slowly changes every one of them. First it was the whole major thing, deciding to switch from Communications (my comfort zone) to Design Media Arts (whoa...), causing me to be excited about the switch but stressed about how to do that. Then it was the study abroad thing, which in an instant I found out couldn't happen in the fall because of DESMA, so I had to change to the summer. Which, by the way, had hidden blessings because it now opens up the opportunity for leadership in InterVarsity and one less complication for housing next year.

Which segues me into my next point. I planned to go to an apartment with Rosemary, and everything was fine. We asked about apartments, we talked about it, we got excited, we started browsing for potential roommates. Then suddenly, I get the urge to stay in the dorms another year. Which I'm kinda fine with, because I enjoy the dorms. Enter conflict. Rosemary wants to go to the apartments. And I want to live with Rosemary. How do I reconcile the fact that God seems to be asking me to do something that I don't want to do and that doesn't seem as good as my plans, when I do know that He is good and that he has plans to prosper me? I want to live with Rosemary. If I live in the dorms again, I don't know who I'll live with, or if I'll have a good time.

I'm also having trouble hearing God's voice, because I won't allow myself to put down the wall and let God really let me know what He thinks. I need to sit down and ask Him, but every time I try, I don't let Him all the way in because I know that it's not easy and I'm afraid of what He'll say.

I listed the pros and cons of each... but I don't know which would be better. I'm still really torn. God knows His plans for me, and they're plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. Except I don't know what that is. And I don't know what that means. What would living in the dorms another year mean? I need a roommate.

God will work it out. I know He will. But it's frustrating that, once again, my thoughts are not His thoughts. I know I'll obey, and I feel it'll be hard. It brings me close to tears to think about what next year will be like... funny because 2 days ago, Rosemary and I were happily talking about apartments and discussing things like they were final. I didn't factor in the idea that God might have a different idea -- one that included Rosemary and me living apart. I get along better with Rosemary than I have with anyone else ever. And God is asking me to be willing to give that up.

That's hard. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

(1/21/08)