I just get so much joy from being at that church. And being around those people. Such a joy. They are people that I just enjoy being around and who I am going to miss when I leave.

I am getting a glimpse of God loving me. Because he wants me to have this joy from being around these people. Right now if I had the opportunity to be around those people more, I would take it. In a heartbeat. It makes me want to rearrange my schedule to be around them on Wednesday. And to bless them with my voice and my passion for worship. :)

I can't wait to do that.
Praise. God.


(7/28/08)

God's love. [generic enough]

"And now God wants to love on me. Maybe it's not a separate thing. Maybe he was hoping I'd get it, like a natural progression of my love for other people leads me to be speechless in the face of God's love for me. That seems to be His constant goal -- to communicate His love to me..."
- Michelle

God's constant goal: to show ME that He loves me. [how will i let myself see that?]

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Cor. 12:9-10

The idea that God's grace is sufficient is a better solution than to remove our weaknesses, because then God can be glorified and we can catch a better glimpse of who He is. Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity for the display of divine power. When we allow ourselves to be weak, we give God the chance to move.




God, You know I struggle with showing people my weaknesses and failures, and it's really hard for me to believe the statement that Your grace is enough and that You love me the same -- whether I fail or not. I think the point where I get stuck is in the idea that I can please You by succeeding at everything. That by being strong, You love me more. Unconditional love is so hard to grasp and accept. Becuase I know I don't deserve it. And that's the point. But I feel like I need to do something to deserve it. That's why I can't just sit back and accept blessings from people. They HAVE to be reciprocated. I tihnk that's what it boils down to: it's really hard for me to accept something I don't deserve. And so I work to reciprocate it so that I can feel better about accepting the gift...Amen?


(7/26/08)

Excited for Liiiiife [slash leadership]

Recent epiphanies:

-My conclusion from reading Check All That Apply... God made me multiracial for a reason. God made me. Multiracial. For a reason. God doesn't make mistakes, and was particularly intentional by making me multiracial. When racial rec happens, it moves me to the depths of my soul. Part of the puzzle pieces of my heart, that are shattered because of racial divide, come together. Something inside me becomes whole. I have a passion for racial rec. But it's more than a passion. Because that word doesn't seem to capture it. I feel like God has given me a glimpse of how He feels about racial reconciliation. And it's incredible. I'm excited to live the rest of my life as a multiracial person. Excited to see what God has for me in my life. Even this year. Because He decided to give me a glimpse of what my life could look like if I embraced my identity as he made me -- multiracial. And I was blown away. Moved my soul again. And I caught a glimpse of what it means to be whole.

-By making me multiracial, God has put me in a unique place to pursue and see true diversity in the places He puts me. By calling me to lead worship and lead BCM as a multiracial person, He has put me in a unique position to pursue and see true diversity in BCF. Something that I didn't realize [and still might not] that I longed for so much. Before it was about numbers. About having a certain percentage or whatever of BCF be minorities. Then it became a focus on their individual relationship with God. Now it's a focus on their relationship with God, and with each other. A desire that's too strong to describe in a blog. Or with words.-And as for the ministry of BCM, "The Kingdom of God is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when sown upon the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth; yet when it is sown it grows up and becomes the greatest of all shrubs..." [Mark] BCM has incredible potential for growth. I need to begin to dream.

I need to begin to see BCM through God's eyes. With His boundless vision. I need to begin to dream.

(7/25/08)

A Quote I liked.

A Hasidic tale describes a Rabbi who told people that if they studied the Torah it would put Scripture on their hearts. When someone asked him why he always used the word "on" instead of "in" he said, "Only God can put Scripture inside. But reading sacred text can put it on your hearts, and when your hearts break the holy words will fall inside."

:)

(7/24/08)

God, help me to rest in the fact that You are growing me as I pursue You instead of stressing over knowing every way that You're working through me. I want You to use me, and I want to be okay with not knowing exactly how. Give me peace in knowing that You are using me, and God, let that be enough. Help me not obsess over making every conversation spiritual, God. Help me just focus on not passing up Your opportunities. Thank You. Amen.

Right now I'm realizing that I would be disappointed if I didn't make an incredible impact here in Spain. Like if someone doesn't discover or rediscover Jesus while I'm here, then I've failed. I would be disappointed in myself, sure that I hadn't done what God wanted me to. But I am not dictating what God has for me. That's not my job. God is pleased when I seek Him, listen to what He wants me to, and obey. That's all I have to do. God, take away what I expect and replace it with peace. I just want to have you calling the shots. Amen.



Evelyn,
I want you to enjoy yourself. Be in the moment. Don't always be thinking about what you need to do, what conversations to have, etc. for the Kingdom. Be attentive, and I will speak to yu. Don't jump the gun. When you think of Me, praise Me. Don't always think of what you have to do. Be Mary, not Martha.
-God



Oh, and God, one more thing. Please help me get to the place where I can accept that You love me as I am. That You love me even if I do nothing. Thanks. Amen.

(7/9/08)

Of course. I knew the emotional high wouldn't last too long. Hopefully this won't either. God, it's just like that first quarter at UCLA... I need some like-minded people. I can't go 2 months turning down alcohol and smoking. It's only been 6 days, and it's already getting to me.

"What'd you do last night?" And I get nervous. As if I have something to prove to these people. I'm supposed to be a witness.

And right when I need them most, my family is unavailable. And it's expensive to call.

And I'm fighting tears. You know it's affecting me if I'm fighting tears. I just need to go to bed. Everything will be better in the morning. Everything will be better in the morning.

God, I need You. I know I looked for my family. But I really need You. And I'm sitting here, all alone in Spain, surrounding by Spaniards I don't know and American acquaintances who don't know who I am. God, I found a place of joy and excitement for a day or two... and I'm realizing that this is going to be an emotional struggle. One that You can grow me through. But that doesn't make it easier. Somehow I'm supposed to be a light to these people. But I just feel awkward and out of place. I need help, God. Whether it's you or someone alongside me. I need help. I can't do this by myself. It's too overwhelming. Help tonight to be a time where I can just interact and get more intimate with You. I need that. Amen.

(7/5/08)

[thoughts that have little or nothing to do with each other.]

I am not settling. I'm not.
Perhaps in seeking freedom, I simply have to accept grace. And be free.
Pray boldly, pursue biblically, discern spiritually.
Like a peasant. What do I need?
True freedom is being willing to embrace the path to freedom.

(7/5/08)