Too many days of the year I go through my life only thinking about what I need to do. What tests to study for, what books to read, what classes to take, when to work out, when to eat, what God wants from me, what I want from God. It's like I'm driving in the fast lane and everything is in a blur. Then suddenly, I slow down. Nothing really prompts it. The holidays, maybe. A conversation, a thought. But then it hits me.
I am blessed.
I. Am. Blessed. I am so blessed to have the family that I have and to have the opportunities that I have. Mind you, the next sentences of thanksgiving are by no means an attempt to brag... just an attempt to recognize the blessings that I've been given that I don't deserve.
I have two parents who love my sisters and me equally and who love each other as well, even after 20+ years of marriage. I have parents who love God passionately and proudly support my decision to love and follow God passionately as well. I have parents who support me financially at school, who pay for my tuition and support my decision to change majors because it'll make me happy. I have parents who want me to do something that makes me happy, something that I'm passionate about. I have parents... both of my parents are still alive and healthy. As I think about my friends who have lost a parent or whose parents are divorced, I find that I can't imagine what that's like. I don't know what I did to deserve such incredible parents, and sometimes I get frustrated because I see them trying to be parents to other people who weren't as fortunate. But God made them my parents. Thank You, God.
I have 2 sisters. Thank God. I have one sister who is crazy and loud and beautiful. She has her own style and wears it well. She's very outgoing and because of that, everyone loves being around her. People are constantly calling her to get her attention: Serena this, Serena that. And yet, she's still very excited when I come home. Me, the not-so-outgoing, not-so-crazy, not-so-loud one. We're different, but she still enjoys my company. When she could be with her friends, she finds time for me. For that, I am grateful.
I have another sister who was quiet, sweet, and beautiful. There's a lot of her character that we didn't see but heard about from her friends, like her decision to include everyone as her friend, and the five different girls who called Christiana her best friend. She kept a smile through a fatal disease and accepted the medications and shots that were given to her daily. She was an excellent student and loved art. She loved to laugh and always made faces at the camera. Secretly (or maybe not so secretly), she adored Serena and wanted to be just like her. They would make crazy faces together and be loud and laugh and get mad at each other. I think she also secretly wanted to be like me (dare I indulge?). We would do quieter crafts together and she proclaimed that she wanted to go to UCLA.
Just looking at my family, it is evident that I am blessed. I have done nothing to control which family I am born into, and I have done nothing to deserve this family. And yet, God gave this to me. I feel like I owe him something, like something in our life should be broken so that we aren't "the perfect family." And back when Christiana first passed away I thought that that was it. I used to think that our family was "too perfect" to be true. Then Christiana died, and I was a bit relieved because finally, something was wrong. But really, that wasn't the something I thought it would be. Because we're healing, Christiana's with Jesus and we'll see her again. What a blessing.
I love my family. I love my life. I am blessed. God says I don't owe Him anything. But He deserves more than nothing. I will try to live my life all for God, bringing Him glory in everything I do, remembering that I am blessed. Blessed to be a blessing. That's what I'll do.
I am blessed to be a blessing. Thank You, God. Amen.
(12/24/07)
Martha
Why am I avoiding God? Why do I dread spending time with Him? What do I need in my grieving? What's really hurting me? The fact that Christiana's gone? Or something else?
I feel like if I took the time, God would tell me. I'm hurt by the fact that God doesn't seem to be answering my question in how to grieve.
I ask and ask and ask, and don't receive an answer. That hurts me. I thought God and I were closer than that. It makes me more angry and frustrated than sad. I feel like I deserve an answer. How's that for humility? God owes me the answer to grief because I've done all of the instructions for the recipe of healing.
Okay, God, all questions of healing and grief aside, what do You want from me next?
I want you to be Mary, not Martha.
Wow. I'm doing all that I can for God this year: reaching out to people, opening up my heart to new things, making plans, changing them, trying to live my life for God. But I'm missing the relationship. Which takes time. Which is what I'm avoiding. How do I get over that?
Is that the answer to grief? Is that the answer to healing? Maybe. But maybe that's not the question I should be asking.
God, who are You to me? Who do You want to be?
(12/18/07)
I feel like if I took the time, God would tell me. I'm hurt by the fact that God doesn't seem to be answering my question in how to grieve.
I ask and ask and ask, and don't receive an answer. That hurts me. I thought God and I were closer than that. It makes me more angry and frustrated than sad. I feel like I deserve an answer. How's that for humility? God owes me the answer to grief because I've done all of the instructions for the recipe of healing.
Okay, God, all questions of healing and grief aside, what do You want from me next?
I want you to be Mary, not Martha.
Wow. I'm doing all that I can for God this year: reaching out to people, opening up my heart to new things, making plans, changing them, trying to live my life for God. But I'm missing the relationship. Which takes time. Which is what I'm avoiding. How do I get over that?
Is that the answer to grief? Is that the answer to healing? Maybe. But maybe that's not the question I should be asking.
God, who are You to me? Who do You want to be?
(12/18/07)
Funny
It's funny how one minute you could just be studying for a final, forgetting the fact that your sister died two years ago tomorrow, then the next you put the book away and start watching "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants." Which conveniently includes a 12-year-old girl who has lukemia and ends up dying in the movie. The scene where Tibby and Bailey are sitting together in the hospital bed just gets me. I knew it was coming but the tears were there anyway.
I used to do that with Christiana. I have pictures of it. I used to tease her about how comfortable her bed was (it really was!!) and would climb into bed with her.
It's funny how two years ago today seems like a dream, how when I tell Christiana's story now it doesn't feel like it really happened. It just feels like, well, a story. It's hard to think of what actually happened two years ago today. I don't think I really let myself go there.
Because it hurt.
I have all these things that I put up screaming that I'm dealing with it, but I'm really not. Pictures of her decorate my wall, but no one knows that she's no longer alive. I have the bracelets, but hardly anyone knows what they mean. Fashion statement, people think. I have the necklace -- which I just started wearing again last week -- that I still only wear with shirts that don't show it. Anytime I wear the necklace, I'm not wearing a shirt that shows my collarbone, so that the picture and the memory can sit safely out of sight.
Few people know the significance of having to take this final today. I could just blow through the day like I have the last two days and not think about it. But I don't want that. Somehow, I want to come out of today having felt the pain. I also want to do well on the final. Can they both happen?
I have no idea what my next step of grief is. I wish I knew. I wish it were easy. I wish surrendering something to God was a physical thing, like physically giving him a piece of me. Then I would actually know when I didn't have it anymore. This whole daily surrender thing is leaving me confused. When have I actually done it? How do I know when I'm healed? How do I know when I can feel? How do I know that the tears aren't forced?
I felt like I should cry during that scene. But I could very well have gone through that scene and refused to feel. I wanted to feel.
Since the grieving plan I had for this week didn't quite turn out, I assume that I'll start feeling when I go home. It'll be easier there, I tell people. Who knows? I feel like it's a matter of my heart, like I'm closed off somehow but I don't know how to open up again.
I'm trying. What are You waiting for?
(12/14/07 1:17am)
I used to do that with Christiana. I have pictures of it. I used to tease her about how comfortable her bed was (it really was!!) and would climb into bed with her.
It's funny how two years ago today seems like a dream, how when I tell Christiana's story now it doesn't feel like it really happened. It just feels like, well, a story. It's hard to think of what actually happened two years ago today. I don't think I really let myself go there.
Because it hurt.
I have all these things that I put up screaming that I'm dealing with it, but I'm really not. Pictures of her decorate my wall, but no one knows that she's no longer alive. I have the bracelets, but hardly anyone knows what they mean. Fashion statement, people think. I have the necklace -- which I just started wearing again last week -- that I still only wear with shirts that don't show it. Anytime I wear the necklace, I'm not wearing a shirt that shows my collarbone, so that the picture and the memory can sit safely out of sight.
Few people know the significance of having to take this final today. I could just blow through the day like I have the last two days and not think about it. But I don't want that. Somehow, I want to come out of today having felt the pain. I also want to do well on the final. Can they both happen?
I have no idea what my next step of grief is. I wish I knew. I wish it were easy. I wish surrendering something to God was a physical thing, like physically giving him a piece of me. Then I would actually know when I didn't have it anymore. This whole daily surrender thing is leaving me confused. When have I actually done it? How do I know when I'm healed? How do I know when I can feel? How do I know that the tears aren't forced?
I felt like I should cry during that scene. But I could very well have gone through that scene and refused to feel. I wanted to feel.
Since the grieving plan I had for this week didn't quite turn out, I assume that I'll start feeling when I go home. It'll be easier there, I tell people. Who knows? I feel like it's a matter of my heart, like I'm closed off somehow but I don't know how to open up again.
I'm trying. What are You waiting for?
(12/14/07 1:17am)
Something Better
How do I give something up that’s so dear to me?
Abraham did.
He sacrificed
His only son
Whom he loved.
He was willing to give it up
Because he believed
That God would give him
Something better.
God did.
He sacrificed His only Son
Whom He loved
He knew that the sacrifice was a way
To get
Something better
Can I give up Christiana?
My dear sister
Whom I love
Can I be willing to give it up for
Something better?
(12/11/07)
Abraham did.
He sacrificed
His only son
Whom he loved.
He was willing to give it up
Because he believed
That God would give him
Something better.
God did.
He sacrificed His only Son
Whom He loved
He knew that the sacrifice was a way
To get
Something better
Can I give up Christiana?
My dear sister
Whom I love
Can I be willing to give it up for
Something better?
(12/11/07)
How do I feel?
It’s getting nearer
How do I feel?
Sometimes I tell the story or think about her
Without
Feeling.
The tears never come when I tell them to.
Will I know healing when I see it?
Where do I go from here?
I’m in a rut.
It’s my choice for healing
My choice to think about her
Pain is okay
Pain is good
Then I feel.
(12/10/07)
How do I feel?
Sometimes I tell the story or think about her
Without
Feeling.
The tears never come when I tell them to.
Will I know healing when I see it?
Where do I go from here?
I’m in a rut.
It’s my choice for healing
My choice to think about her
Pain is okay
Pain is good
Then I feel.
(12/10/07)
A Burden
How do I not feel like a burden?
Is it my fault that she died on a day during finals week?
Is it my fault that my professor won’t let me take the final early?
God, You made this week like this for a reason
You made me need healing
I am NOT self-sufficient
I need You
I need people
I need healing
I have needs
But why do I feel like a burden then?
Satan’s way of whispering that
I am nothing?
That I don’t matter?
But I do matter.
Let the burden be lifted
I am NOT a burden
They don’t mean to make me feel like that
They want to help me
I need help
Asking for help is really hard
But I’ll do it
Even though I feel like a burden.
(12/5/07)
Is it my fault that she died on a day during finals week?
Is it my fault that my professor won’t let me take the final early?
God, You made this week like this for a reason
You made me need healing
I am NOT self-sufficient
I need You
I need people
I need healing
I have needs
But why do I feel like a burden then?
Satan’s way of whispering that
I am nothing?
That I don’t matter?
But I do matter.
Let the burden be lifted
I am NOT a burden
They don’t mean to make me feel like that
They want to help me
I need help
Asking for help is really hard
But I’ll do it
Even though I feel like a burden.
(12/5/07)
What if?
What if I promised that you would be closer to Christiana after your healing?
What if I told you that your pain and grieving actually took you away from her further?
What if I promised that a greater joy and larger connection would come only from complete freedom?
Would you let me heal you then?
(12/3/07)
What if I told you that your pain and grieving actually took you away from her further?
What if I promised that a greater joy and larger connection would come only from complete freedom?
Would you let me heal you then?
(12/3/07)
Trust Me
Trust me
Because when in the past have I failed you?
When have my promises not been fulfilled?
When have my plans not been the best?
Trust me.
Trust that everything is under control
Trust that I have your best interest in mind.
When you worry, it’s because
You’ve taken your life back into
Your hands instead of
Mine.
When your life is in my hands
You can rest
Peacefully knowing that
Everything will be
Okay
I have your best interesting mind
I know you
Better than you know you
It makes sense to truth the One
Who knows you better than you know you
But God, it’s hard to step out
Into a place of
Uncertainty
When before my life was so planned
But would you rather settle for you
Planned life
Or
Choose to join me on the adventure that I’ve planned
Think of the disciples
Or David
Or Paul
Or Moses
Or Noah
Who I called to take risks
Who followed
Whose lives are forever changed
Because
I knew their interests
Better than that they did
Take the risk
You won’t regret it
Risky, persistent and extreme action
Reflecting belief
In My power
Believe that
Even if you don’t know how tomorrow will go
Or next year
Or next quarter
Believe that I’m in control
Believe that I have your best interest at heart
I gave you this passion for a reason.
Believe that.
Trust me.
-God
(11/28/07)
Because when in the past have I failed you?
When have my promises not been fulfilled?
When have my plans not been the best?
Trust me.
Trust that everything is under control
Trust that I have your best interest in mind.
When you worry, it’s because
You’ve taken your life back into
Your hands instead of
Mine.
When your life is in my hands
You can rest
Peacefully knowing that
Everything will be
Okay
I have your best interesting mind
I know you
Better than you know you
It makes sense to truth the One
Who knows you better than you know you
But God, it’s hard to step out
Into a place of
Uncertainty
When before my life was so planned
But would you rather settle for you
Planned life
Or
Choose to join me on the adventure that I’ve planned
Think of the disciples
Or David
Or Paul
Or Moses
Or Noah
Who I called to take risks
Who followed
Whose lives are forever changed
Because
I knew their interests
Better than that they did
Take the risk
You won’t regret it
Risky, persistent and extreme action
Reflecting belief
In My power
Believe that
Even if you don’t know how tomorrow will go
Or next year
Or next quarter
Believe that I’m in control
Believe that I have your best interest at heart
I gave you this passion for a reason.
Believe that.
Trust me.
-God
(11/28/07)
You Are
I’m going to start writing again
You are
Beyond my comprehension
A blinding confusion I get
When I look into the sun too long
You are
Peace
The loud silence I hear
When the day is cloudy
And everyone goes inside
Gentle rain
Slight warmth
That’s You
Falling leaves
Rolling hills
That’s You
You are
More than I can describe
More than I can imagine
You are
God.
(11/15/07)
You are
Beyond my comprehension
A blinding confusion I get
When I look into the sun too long
You are
Peace
The loud silence I hear
When the day is cloudy
And everyone goes inside
Gentle rain
Slight warmth
That’s You
Falling leaves
Rolling hills
That’s You
You are
More than I can describe
More than I can imagine
You are
God.
(11/15/07)
This Feeling
What is this feeling?
Torn between two extremes
What I want and
What God wants.
Well, obviously I want what God wants.
Isn’t it that easy?
The stress of school, ministry, work
Overwhelm
I’m pretty drained from being
Out of my comfort zone
What is God preparing me for?
I await the days when I can relax
When my head and heart stop hurting
Deep down I know it’s worth it
This whole “living for God” thing
This weekend is Fall Con
And among all of the things I have next week
Beyond all of the tests, worship and retail events
I want You to meet me there
Because I want what You want
Because I know it’s worth it.
One of these days it’ll get easier
I guess today’s just not that day.
(10/25/07)
Torn between two extremes
What I want and
What God wants.
Well, obviously I want what God wants.
Isn’t it that easy?
The stress of school, ministry, work
Overwhelm
I’m pretty drained from being
Out of my comfort zone
What is God preparing me for?
I await the days when I can relax
When my head and heart stop hurting
Deep down I know it’s worth it
This whole “living for God” thing
This weekend is Fall Con
And among all of the things I have next week
Beyond all of the tests, worship and retail events
I want You to meet me there
Because I want what You want
Because I know it’s worth it.
One of these days it’ll get easier
I guess today’s just not that day.
(10/25/07)
I Imagine a Place
I imagine a place where peace is the main ingredient of life
Where the wind always blows in a song
Reminiscent of the soft dancing of fingers on keys
At her first piano recital.
Quiet
Gentle
Careful
If you smell the sound of the wind,
Close your eyes and just breathe,
The peace is there.
I imagine a place where pain is no longer on the agenda for today
Where the only things on my to-do list are laughter and joy
Where hurt isn’t in the dictionary and sorrow doesn’t exist.
I see a purpose in living
And I imagine a place where all is a blank canvas
And we’re only given watercolors
There’s something about watercolors that gets me.
I wish I could paint.
I wish I could somehow express this world I imagine.
I imagine a place where an exhausted person sitting against a wall
Is only exhausted because they’re simply
Overwhelmed
By the beauty of the world
So overwhelmed that a deep breath and closing the eyes
Doesn’t cut it.
I imagine a place where rain is warm and the soul is complete
Where excitement is renewed and increases with age.
I imagine a place where it’s okay to color outside the lines
Where people love children’s books and night lights
Where you’re never too old to sit on your dad’s lap
And have him carry your to bed.
As I imagine this place, I open my window and lie on my bed.
That’s when my pen hits the paper
I write a letter to my little sister
Who went to see Jesus way sooner than we’d planned
She gets to live in such a place
Where peace overpowers and beauty overwhelms
Where joy and laughter erase all pain
Where we can be like children and rest in our Father’s arms.
She gets to live there
And I am left to be here in this place
Where I can simply imagine.
(1/1/07)
Where the wind always blows in a song
Reminiscent of the soft dancing of fingers on keys
At her first piano recital.
Quiet
Gentle
Careful
If you smell the sound of the wind,
Close your eyes and just breathe,
The peace is there.
I imagine a place where pain is no longer on the agenda for today
Where the only things on my to-do list are laughter and joy
Where hurt isn’t in the dictionary and sorrow doesn’t exist.
I see a purpose in living
And I imagine a place where all is a blank canvas
And we’re only given watercolors
There’s something about watercolors that gets me.
I wish I could paint.
I wish I could somehow express this world I imagine.
I imagine a place where an exhausted person sitting against a wall
Is only exhausted because they’re simply
Overwhelmed
By the beauty of the world
So overwhelmed that a deep breath and closing the eyes
Doesn’t cut it.
I imagine a place where rain is warm and the soul is complete
Where excitement is renewed and increases with age.
I imagine a place where it’s okay to color outside the lines
Where people love children’s books and night lights
Where you’re never too old to sit on your dad’s lap
And have him carry your to bed.
As I imagine this place, I open my window and lie on my bed.
That’s when my pen hits the paper
I write a letter to my little sister
Who went to see Jesus way sooner than we’d planned
She gets to live in such a place
Where peace overpowers and beauty overwhelms
Where joy and laughter erase all pain
Where we can be like children and rest in our Father’s arms.
She gets to live there
And I am left to be here in this place
Where I can simply imagine.
(1/1/07)
Grief
Grief is painful
That’s why no one likes to talk about it.
So permanent
I don’t get to see her in the earthly life
As far as my mind can grasp
That’s permanent.
(1/1/07)
That’s why no one likes to talk about it.
So permanent
I don’t get to see her in the earthly life
As far as my mind can grasp
That’s permanent.
(1/1/07)
One Year
The year is approachingI try not to think about it
Why are the memories so clear
So distinct, so real
So fresh?
You were just here
But you weren’t.
It was a complete year ago.
So much happens in a year
But this year went so fast
Tell me what you were thinking
All those times in pain
Did you ever know your life would end so soon?
Why do our last memories of you have to be
Painful?
I love to think about you
To remember you when you were here
But it definitely also hurts
Because then that brick hits
You’re not here anymore.
Here I am, growing up
In college
And you’re already with Jesus
That part makes me smile
That part makes it not hurt so bad.
There’s so much more to life
Than homework, boys and alcohol.
God created us
Solely to worship Him
To bring Him glory through our lives
In order to gain fulfillment.
That’s amazing.
I just wish I could talk to you again.
Imagining it makes it seem real
Like you’re still here
Like the year of your passing
Isn’t steadily approaching.
It’s been a year. Wow.
A full year.
So much has happened this year.
But the memories are still fresh…
My heart hurts again.
(12/1/06)
Why are the memories so clear
So distinct, so real
So fresh?
You were just here
But you weren’t.
It was a complete year ago.
So much happens in a year
But this year went so fast
Tell me what you were thinking
All those times in pain
Did you ever know your life would end so soon?
Why do our last memories of you have to be
Painful?
I love to think about you
To remember you when you were here
But it definitely also hurts
Because then that brick hits
You’re not here anymore.
Here I am, growing up
In college
And you’re already with Jesus
That part makes me smile
That part makes it not hurt so bad.
There’s so much more to life
Than homework, boys and alcohol.
God created us
Solely to worship Him
To bring Him glory through our lives
In order to gain fulfillment.
That’s amazing.
I just wish I could talk to you again.
Imagining it makes it seem real
Like you’re still here
Like the year of your passing
Isn’t steadily approaching.
It’s been a year. Wow.
A full year.
So much has happened this year.
But the memories are still fresh…
My heart hurts again.
(12/1/06)
Where am I?
Maybe someone could let me know
Why
Drinking is so great
Why smoking is so cool
Why slut is in
Why if I don’t party, I couldn’t
Possibly do anything
More fun.
Where’s the fun in being hungover?
Where’s the joy in having no idea what you’ve done?Alcohol probably tastes nasty anyway
Smoking smells
It’s not worth it.
So what’s the big deal?
Why’s everyone doing it?
Tonight I was given hope that I can meet
Likeminded people
Black Christians
People who aren’t afraid of what they believe
And are boldly proud to be black.
The doubts come.
Am I not black enough?
They all grew up surrounded in blackness
With me the only black spot around
I’m scared to party, God.
Because I’m scared to dance
In the right environment
With the right people
It could be fun
Keep guiding me, but don’t leave me, God.
Provide me with opportunities to find those people
You have especially set apart to be my friend.
Meanwhile
Help me to stay true to You
And strong to who I am
Help me to be confident in who You’ve made me to be
Confidence, God.
That’s what I need.
Help people to see the joy and peace that comes
From You.
Help me to be a witness.
Amen.
(12/1/06)
Why
Drinking is so great
Why smoking is so cool
Why slut is in
Why if I don’t party, I couldn’t
Possibly do anything
More fun.
Where’s the fun in being hungover?
Where’s the joy in having no idea what you’ve done?Alcohol probably tastes nasty anyway
Smoking smells
It’s not worth it.
So what’s the big deal?
Why’s everyone doing it?
Tonight I was given hope that I can meet
Likeminded people
Black Christians
People who aren’t afraid of what they believe
And are boldly proud to be black.
The doubts come.
Am I not black enough?
They all grew up surrounded in blackness
With me the only black spot around
I’m scared to party, God.
Because I’m scared to dance
In the right environment
With the right people
It could be fun
Keep guiding me, but don’t leave me, God.
Provide me with opportunities to find those people
You have especially set apart to be my friend.
Meanwhile
Help me to stay true to You
And strong to who I am
Help me to be confident in who You’ve made me to be
Confidence, God.
That’s what I need.
Help people to see the joy and peace that comes
From You.
Help me to be a witness.
Amen.
(12/1/06)
My Prayer
God,
I’m so alone here.
No one seems to share my passion for You
And my lack of passion for other things.
I need patience
I need to find people like me, God
So I won’t feel so alone
I know, I know, I’m not alone
Because You’re with me
But You know I’d never leave You
Sin is appealing
But it’s not worth it
I just need strength
And patience
In the meantime, God, fill me with everything
That You are
Be all that I need
Fill me up until I am full
Until I don’t need anything else anymore.
Amen.
(11/21/06)
I’m so alone here.
No one seems to share my passion for You
And my lack of passion for other things.
I need patience
I need to find people like me, God
So I won’t feel so alone
I know, I know, I’m not alone
Because You’re with me
But You know I’d never leave You
Sin is appealing
But it’s not worth it
I just need strength
And patience
In the meantime, God, fill me with everything
That You are
Be all that I need
Fill me up until I am full
Until I don’t need anything else anymore.
Amen.
(11/21/06)
In You
In You, I am strong
You build up everything in me that’s broken
And You make me strong
I can give You my broken heart
You surround me, You love me
And the healing begins
Then I get stronger
Everything inside me that’s weak and poor
And broken
You heal, so that
In You, I am strong.
(11/3/06)
You build up everything in me that’s broken
And You make me strong
I can give You my broken heart
You surround me, You love me
And the healing begins
Then I get stronger
Everything inside me that’s weak and poor
And broken
You heal, so that
In You, I am strong.
(11/3/06)
O God
You, O God, are amazing
You control every aspect of my life
Filling me with peace
Joy
Love
I will praise You forever
For You, O God, are amazing.
(10/19/06)
You control every aspect of my life
Filling me with peace
Joy
Love
I will praise You forever
For You, O God, are amazing.
(10/19/06)
Spinning
How do I express this feeling?
When I try I think of the Sound of Music
Twirling free among the Alps
I think of deep breaths
Gentle breezes
A comfortable bed
Warm food
Refreshing bottle of water
That feeling you get after working out
Or after a good night's sleep
The smile that comes when God speaks
And says He loves you
Spinning
Carefree
No stress, just smiles
No loss, only laughs
Joy
The smiles that's visible even while sleeping
Take a deep breath
Close your eyes
And relax
Feel what I am feeling.
Try spinning in the wind
Run in the rain
Be refreshed
Embrace all that God has.
Feel this feeling.
(10/1/06)
When I try I think of the Sound of Music
Twirling free among the Alps
I think of deep breaths
Gentle breezes
A comfortable bed
Warm food
Refreshing bottle of water
That feeling you get after working out
Or after a good night's sleep
The smile that comes when God speaks
And says He loves you
Spinning
Carefree
No stress, just smiles
No loss, only laughs
Joy
The smiles that's visible even while sleeping
Take a deep breath
Close your eyes
And relax
Feel what I am feeling.
Try spinning in the wind
Run in the rain
Be refreshed
Embrace all that God has.
Feel this feeling.
(10/1/06)
A View of Fruit
I sat on the rock
And looked
Soaking it all in
Butterflies flew by in love
Intermingling
Flying so close I nearly forgot
They weren't one
Surrounding the rock
Were rainbow flowers
An array of colors
That joyfully turned their faces
Towards the heavens
They seemed to be dancing
I listened for the music
They were listening to
Silence
Peace
The silence had no worries
People forgot to listne to it
They forgot the peace
But it was here all along.
Listening too
Was the large oak tree
That provided shade
A large family of branches
A sea of leaves
It wasn't done growing
Patiently
It waited to be finished
Blessing me with shade
While it waited
The tree's grand trunk was flawless
Intricate patterns and paths
Were carved on its face
A tiny hole kindly provided a home
Kindly shared
For the benefit of others
I basked in the sun
Feeling the warmth
The goodness
Everything seemed to be
Basking in the sun
Enjoying its goodness
The heat complemented with the
Gentle breeze
The flowers swayed
The breeze was barely there
But it was
There
If I looked far enough
I would see the mountains
Those faithful mountains
Sturdy and reliable
And beautiful
Were those mountains
Hovering over the mountains
Were the clouds
What could have been an obsessive takeover
Resulting in a cloudy day
Was a day of bliss and warmth
All because of self-control
I soaked it all in
On my rock
The love of butterflies
The joy of flowers
The peace of silence
The patience of trees
The kindness of wind
The goodness of sun
The gentleness of breeze
The faithfulness of mountains
The self-control of clouds
I sat on the rock
And thanked God
For the Spirit
That reigned.
(8/9/06)
And looked
Soaking it all in
Butterflies flew by in love
Intermingling
Flying so close I nearly forgot
They weren't one
Surrounding the rock
Were rainbow flowers
An array of colors
That joyfully turned their faces
Towards the heavens
They seemed to be dancing
I listened for the music
They were listening to
Silence
Peace
The silence had no worries
People forgot to listne to it
They forgot the peace
But it was here all along.
Listening too
Was the large oak tree
That provided shade
A large family of branches
A sea of leaves
It wasn't done growing
Patiently
It waited to be finished
Blessing me with shade
While it waited
The tree's grand trunk was flawless
Intricate patterns and paths
Were carved on its face
A tiny hole kindly provided a home
Kindly shared
For the benefit of others
I basked in the sun
Feeling the warmth
The goodness
Everything seemed to be
Basking in the sun
Enjoying its goodness
The heat complemented with the
Gentle breeze
The flowers swayed
The breeze was barely there
But it was
There
If I looked far enough
I would see the mountains
Those faithful mountains
Sturdy and reliable
And beautiful
Were those mountains
Hovering over the mountains
Were the clouds
What could have been an obsessive takeover
Resulting in a cloudy day
Was a day of bliss and warmth
All because of self-control
I soaked it all in
On my rock
The love of butterflies
The joy of flowers
The peace of silence
The patience of trees
The kindness of wind
The goodness of sun
The gentleness of breeze
The faithfulness of mountains
The self-control of clouds
I sat on the rock
And thanked God
For the Spirit
That reigned.
(8/9/06)
Dear God
Dear God
It's me again
I need Your help
I always plan to do right
My heart wants to be like You
Then wrong knocks
And I open the door
The Bible says
You are my strength
I know I can do this
Through You
But I can only do this
Through You
I want to be more like You
But it's hard sometimes
It's me again, Your Child
I need Your help
Dear God
(8/9/06)
It's me again
I need Your help
I always plan to do right
My heart wants to be like You
Then wrong knocks
And I open the door
The Bible says
You are my strength
I know I can do this
Through You
But I can only do this
Through You
I want to be more like You
But it's hard sometimes
It's me again, Your Child
I need Your help
Dear God
(8/9/06)
I Will Praise You
Even though my heart is heavy
Even though my soul is in pain
I will praise You
I feel like weeping at Your feet
God, I miss Christiana
The loss hurts
I don't know what to do with the emotions
But I do know
That I will praise You
It's possible to find joy in the situation
It's possible to have joy in Christ
Even though my heart hurts
Because I know all that Christ does for me
What do I do with all of these emotions?
You promise to be my comfort
My Healer
I know You will
And for that, I will praise You
Do I overlook the pain to praise You?
Do I praise You in advance for taking care of the pain?
Do I praise You for pain?
God, I am still hurting
I feel like crawling in a ball, head in my knees
But I know You will heal me
For that, I will praise You.
(8/6/06)
Even though my soul is in pain
I will praise You
I feel like weeping at Your feet
God, I miss Christiana
The loss hurts
I don't know what to do with the emotions
But I do know
That I will praise You
It's possible to find joy in the situation
It's possible to have joy in Christ
Even though my heart hurts
Because I know all that Christ does for me
What do I do with all of these emotions?
You promise to be my comfort
My Healer
I know You will
And for that, I will praise You
Do I overlook the pain to praise You?
Do I praise You in advance for taking care of the pain?
Do I praise You for pain?
God, I am still hurting
I feel like crawling in a ball, head in my knees
But I know You will heal me
For that, I will praise You.
(8/6/06)
Healer
To all my children,
I know you are hurt, I am your healer
You can hold my hands
And see the nails
And know that I know pian
And I can heal
I'm standing here
My arms opne
Waiting for you to come
I know you are hurt,
I am your Healer.
-God
(7/27/06)
I know you are hurt, I am your healer
You can hold my hands
And see the nails
And know that I know pian
And I can heal
I'm standing here
My arms opne
Waiting for you to come
I know you are hurt,
I am your Healer.
-God
(7/27/06)
Warm Loneliness
A woman, but she feels like a girl inside
In a room full of people, there's nowhere to hide
Except in her smile
No one can read how alone she is
Her best friend at home sits miles away
All she can do is think thoughts and pray
Unspoken words
Pleas of helplessness and desperation
No one understands her pain
She tries masking it by staying busy
Maybe if she doesn't think about it
It'll go away
Maybe if she surrounds herself in other people's problems
She'll drown out her own
In a moment's panic she calls her friend
Maybe she'll understand
But no one's home
An empty silence left after a hollow beep
Of an answering machine of the cell phone
She turns away from the pay phone
Surrounded by laughter
She's forced to laugh and smile too
It hurts
But no one understands
She escapes to write her thoughts in her journal
But her pen stops short
She's waiting for the answer to be written on the next line
But the pages are empty
The silence gets louder
The tears are unwelcome
They should've stayed inside
She glances above the journal to her Bible
Which talks about a God who comforts
A God who feels what she feels
She's all alone, no one understands
Suddenly there's one less tear because
Jesus wiped it
She looks up at His face
Shielding her eyes at the brightness of His glory
With one hand
Caressing His hand with the other
Feeling the hole that once held nails
He knows pain
He knows rejection
He knows comfort
Open-armed He welcomes her
She hesitates, He seems too far away to want her
He seems to be at the end of the road now
Too far to reach
He smiles, eyes shining
Those holey hands reach out to her
Her eyes return the glance and
She slowly steps toward Him.
She finally knows that she'll find rest in Him.
(7/13/06)
In a room full of people, there's nowhere to hide
Except in her smile
No one can read how alone she is
Her best friend at home sits miles away
All she can do is think thoughts and pray
Unspoken words
Pleas of helplessness and desperation
No one understands her pain
She tries masking it by staying busy
Maybe if she doesn't think about it
It'll go away
Maybe if she surrounds herself in other people's problems
She'll drown out her own
In a moment's panic she calls her friend
Maybe she'll understand
But no one's home
An empty silence left after a hollow beep
Of an answering machine of the cell phone
She turns away from the pay phone
Surrounded by laughter
She's forced to laugh and smile too
It hurts
But no one understands
She escapes to write her thoughts in her journal
But her pen stops short
She's waiting for the answer to be written on the next line
But the pages are empty
The silence gets louder
The tears are unwelcome
They should've stayed inside
She glances above the journal to her Bible
Which talks about a God who comforts
A God who feels what she feels
She's all alone, no one understands
Suddenly there's one less tear because
Jesus wiped it
She looks up at His face
Shielding her eyes at the brightness of His glory
With one hand
Caressing His hand with the other
Feeling the hole that once held nails
He knows pain
He knows rejection
He knows comfort
Open-armed He welcomes her
She hesitates, He seems too far away to want her
He seems to be at the end of the road now
Too far to reach
He smiles, eyes shining
Those holey hands reach out to her
Her eyes return the glance and
She slowly steps toward Him.
She finally knows that she'll find rest in Him.
(7/13/06)
I Need a Touch
This is a new song in the making:
Chorus
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
I stand here empty, God, a broken cup
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
Pour out your Spirit, God, fill me up
I need a touch
Verse 1
I am only clay, Lord come and mold
I know I am broken, but You make me whole
Take away my fear, make me more bold
Refine me in fire, I want to be gold
Verse 2
I'm waiting here for your embrace
Surround me with Your love and grace
If I look upward, I'll see Your face
I'm crying out, I need a taste
Chorus 2/Bridge
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
Here I am Lord, open-hearted, on my knees, arms lifted up
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
I can't live without You, on my own's just not enough
I need a touch
(7/7/06)
Chorus
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
I stand here empty, God, a broken cup
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
Pour out your Spirit, God, fill me up
I need a touch
Verse 1
I am only clay, Lord come and mold
I know I am broken, but You make me whole
Take away my fear, make me more bold
Refine me in fire, I want to be gold
Verse 2
I'm waiting here for your embrace
Surround me with Your love and grace
If I look upward, I'll see Your face
I'm crying out, I need a taste
Chorus 2/Bridge
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
Here I am Lord, open-hearted, on my knees, arms lifted up
I need a touch, Lord, I need a touch
I can't live without You, on my own's just not enough
I need a touch
(7/7/06)
Breathe
I wish I had known she would only live for 10 years. Then maybe she wouldn't have been #2.
Pink bows, roses,
Little bundle of joy
Now I've got 2 sisters.
Let them play with each other
While I occupy myself being the oldest.
I want to know what it's like to have 2 sisters
I used to be able to recall her laugh.
Now it all blurs together.
It's not so wierd living in a house of 4.
I wish it was.
It's not that strange with an empty bedroom
Dust collected on SpongeBob
And every neatly colored picture.
I wish it was.
The piles of toys and cards
That remind us of death's newness
Are clearing.
It's not so new anymore.
Can I just have one more minute with her?
Can I take a commercial break from reality?
I promise I'll come back.
It won't take long, I just need to breathe.
Pink bows, roses,
Little bundle of joy
Now I've got 2 sisters.
Let them play with each other
While I occupy myself being the oldest.
I want to know what it's like to have 2 sisters
I used to be able to recall her laugh.
Now it all blurs together.
It's not so wierd living in a house of 4.
I wish it was.
It's not that strange with an empty bedroom
Dust collected on SpongeBob
And every neatly colored picture.
I wish it was.
The piles of toys and cards
That remind us of death's newness
Are clearing.
It's not so new anymore.
Can I just have one more minute with her?
Can I take a commercial break from reality?
I promise I'll come back.
It won't take long, I just need to breathe.
Empty Journals and Leaky Faucets
A whisper, reminder, remember
Quiet nights of prayer, hope
Her life an unfilled journal
But it was full
Tiny drops of dew refresh the morning
Life.
Rain falling rhythmically
I watch from the window
I dance in the rain, carefree and in love with God.
Nothing can go wrong.
The water is dripping.
Donated blood drips into the tubes that connected to her body.
Life is like a leaking faucet.
What happens when the water turns off?
What happens when the water stops dripping?
Too short, too painful,
So I decide not to think about it.
Then I remember.
The memories flood.
I drown.
In my memories and my tears, I drown.
Pain hurts. So does my head.
A silver chain jingles around my neck,
The smiling reminder of what has happened.
A photo engraving that chips away like the newness of her death.
We have to move on.
I spend so much time fervently writing in countless journals.
Sometimes I can't even write fast enough.
We work hard to fill our journals
To keep writing until the pages are full.
Her journal was left empty
The words "Also Touch" ended the incomplete sentence
Lingering like a whisper.
I'm too tired to think too much.
I don't like remembering what I've been through
It hurts too much
Her journal was half empty
Or half full
We had hope
We haven't lost faith
But we lost her
I won't forget her.
As long as my faucet is still leaking
I won't forget her.
(6/30/06)
Quiet nights of prayer, hope
Her life an unfilled journal
But it was full
Tiny drops of dew refresh the morning
Life.
Rain falling rhythmically
I watch from the window
I dance in the rain, carefree and in love with God.
Nothing can go wrong.
The water is dripping.
Donated blood drips into the tubes that connected to her body.
Life is like a leaking faucet.
What happens when the water turns off?
What happens when the water stops dripping?
Too short, too painful,
So I decide not to think about it.
Then I remember.
The memories flood.
I drown.
In my memories and my tears, I drown.
Pain hurts. So does my head.
A silver chain jingles around my neck,
The smiling reminder of what has happened.
A photo engraving that chips away like the newness of her death.
We have to move on.
I spend so much time fervently writing in countless journals.
Sometimes I can't even write fast enough.
We work hard to fill our journals
To keep writing until the pages are full.
Her journal was left empty
The words "Also Touch" ended the incomplete sentence
Lingering like a whisper.
I'm too tired to think too much.
I don't like remembering what I've been through
It hurts too much
Her journal was half empty
Or half full
We had hope
We haven't lost faith
But we lost her
I won't forget her.
As long as my faucet is still leaking
I won't forget her.
(6/30/06)
How do I deal?
How are we instructed to cope with death? So many times I'm so busy with the excitement and busyness of life I forget about the nights at the hospital and the times when I would hardly see the rest of the family. Then Mami comes in and says she's going to order new bedsheets for Christiana's room. The brick was thrown at me again, and the memories came flooding back. When authors say that memories "flood," that's no joke. They really do. Split seconds of Christiana's life came to me as if I were watching a movie. Then came the pain. That all-too-familiar feeling of grief and realization I had shoved to the back again. My 10-year-old sister spent 3 1/2 months at the hospital and then she died. She. Died. It's amazing how I can go from oblivion to tears in a minute's conversation. Christiana's dead. How do I deal with that?
(6/30/06)
(6/30/06)
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