Martha

Why am I avoiding God? Why do I dread spending time with Him? What do I need in my grieving? What's really hurting me? The fact that Christiana's gone? Or something else?

I feel like if I took the time, God would tell me. I'm hurt by the fact that God doesn't seem to be answering my question in how to grieve.

I ask and ask and ask, and don't receive an answer. That hurts me. I thought God and I were closer than that. It makes me more angry and frustrated than sad. I feel like I deserve an answer. How's that for humility? God owes me the answer to grief because I've done all of the instructions for the recipe of healing.

Okay, God, all questions of healing and grief aside, what do You want from me next?

I want you to be Mary, not Martha.

Wow. I'm doing all that I can for God this year: reaching out to people, opening up my heart to new things, making plans, changing them, trying to live my life for God. But I'm missing the relationship. Which takes time. Which is what I'm avoiding. How do I get over that?

Is that the answer to grief? Is that the answer to healing? Maybe. But maybe that's not the question I should be asking.

God, who are You to me? Who do You want to be?

(12/18/07)