me: God, why do I always have to...
God: patience, child.
me: pause..... sigh. okay. i'm done with bitterness.
(11/16/08)
I wonder if I should start writing again.
I read blogs, see the
Words jumping off the pages
Like little fish out of a pond
That screams tranquility.
And I remember that I am poetic. I remember when I used to write poetry.
I remember when people used to ask when my next song was coming.
I remember when I actually sat down to write songs.
That no longer exists, I don’t think.
But, I wonder
If I should start writing again.
I read blogs, envious of the
Poetic phrases that seem to spew out of everyone else
Effortlessly
While my thoughts, my blogs are simply prose
Simply sentences
Not
Poetry.
I get discouraged. Feeling
Inadequate,
Incapable.
I thought I was creative, but
Maybe not.
The problem is, I like writing. A lot.
I think the problem is, I rarely sit down and just let myself write.
Because I fear that people will read it.
I’d prefer my thoughts to just be kept inside of me.
A diary from me to my computer, where no one else can see.
Secrets.
Then, I finish a post, and I long for someone to read.
For someone to discover that
I
Can
Write.
That I have a gift for writing.
Secretly that’s my plea.
Here I am, my fingers cry out. I write too, and I can be good at it.
I can be poetic, I promise.
I wish words were sufficient to fully explain
The intricate thoughts
The weighty issues that
Plague my heart.
But all too often good writers lament over things.
Like broken hearts, mostly.
I happen to not have anything to lament over, thank you.
Maybe that makes me feel like I have nothing to say.
And yet, words sit
On my tongue
Crowd my mouth
Plague my heart
Waiting to be released
Like vomit, really.
I write,
Slowly,
Fingers clicking
or Pencil scratching
And sometimes suddenly pages are filled.
And I wonder where the time has gone
Because I've sat
Writing.
Letters creatively situated to form
Words that partner up with each other
Like friends
And suddenly we have
Poetry.
I'm trying too hard.
I wish that there was a way to express myself.
I wish there was a way to fully get my thoughts out on paper.
I wish there was a way to actually write and be finished and read what I’ve written and say,
Yeah. That’s what I’m feeling.
I wish
I could write.
I read blogs, see the
Words jumping off the pages
Like little fish out of a pond
That screams tranquility.
And I remember that I am poetic. I remember when I used to write poetry.
I remember when people used to ask when my next song was coming.
I remember when I actually sat down to write songs.
That no longer exists, I don’t think.
But, I wonder
If I should start writing again.
I read blogs, envious of the
Poetic phrases that seem to spew out of everyone else
Effortlessly
While my thoughts, my blogs are simply prose
Simply sentences
Not
Poetry.
I get discouraged. Feeling
Inadequate,
Incapable.
I thought I was creative, but
Maybe not.
The problem is, I like writing. A lot.
I think the problem is, I rarely sit down and just let myself write.
Because I fear that people will read it.
I’d prefer my thoughts to just be kept inside of me.
A diary from me to my computer, where no one else can see.
Secrets.
Then, I finish a post, and I long for someone to read.
For someone to discover that
I
Can
Write.
That I have a gift for writing.
Secretly that’s my plea.
Here I am, my fingers cry out. I write too, and I can be good at it.
I can be poetic, I promise.
I wish words were sufficient to fully explain
The intricate thoughts
The weighty issues that
Plague my heart.
But all too often good writers lament over things.
Like broken hearts, mostly.
I happen to not have anything to lament over, thank you.
Maybe that makes me feel like I have nothing to say.
And yet, words sit
On my tongue
Crowd my mouth
Plague my heart
Waiting to be released
Like vomit, really.
I write,
Slowly,
Fingers clicking
or Pencil scratching
And sometimes suddenly pages are filled.
And I wonder where the time has gone
Because I've sat
Writing.
Letters creatively situated to form
Words that partner up with each other
Like friends
And suddenly we have
Poetry.
I'm trying too hard.
I wish that there was a way to express myself.
I wish there was a way to fully get my thoughts out on paper.
I wish there was a way to actually write and be finished and read what I’ve written and say,
Yeah. That’s what I’m feeling.
I wish
I could write.
I just get so much joy from being at that church. And being around those people. Such a joy. They are people that I just enjoy being around and who I am going to miss when I leave.
I am getting a glimpse of God loving me. Because he wants me to have this joy from being around these people. Right now if I had the opportunity to be around those people more, I would take it. In a heartbeat. It makes me want to rearrange my schedule to be around them on Wednesday. And to bless them with my voice and my passion for worship. :)
I can't wait to do that.
Praise. God.
(7/28/08)
I am getting a glimpse of God loving me. Because he wants me to have this joy from being around these people. Right now if I had the opportunity to be around those people more, I would take it. In a heartbeat. It makes me want to rearrange my schedule to be around them on Wednesday. And to bless them with my voice and my passion for worship. :)
I can't wait to do that.
Praise. God.
(7/28/08)
God's love. [generic enough]
"And now God wants to love on me. Maybe it's not a separate thing. Maybe he was hoping I'd get it, like a natural progression of my love for other people leads me to be speechless in the face of God's love for me. That seems to be His constant goal -- to communicate His love to me..."
- Michelle
God's constant goal: to show ME that He loves me. [how will i let myself see that?]
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Cor. 12:9-10
The idea that God's grace is sufficient is a better solution than to remove our weaknesses, because then God can be glorified and we can catch a better glimpse of who He is. Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity for the display of divine power. When we allow ourselves to be weak, we give God the chance to move.
God, You know I struggle with showing people my weaknesses and failures, and it's really hard for me to believe the statement that Your grace is enough and that You love me the same -- whether I fail or not. I think the point where I get stuck is in the idea that I can please You by succeeding at everything. That by being strong, You love me more. Unconditional love is so hard to grasp and accept. Becuase I know I don't deserve it. And that's the point. But I feel like I need to do something to deserve it. That's why I can't just sit back and accept blessings from people. They HAVE to be reciprocated. I tihnk that's what it boils down to: it's really hard for me to accept something I don't deserve. And so I work to reciprocate it so that I can feel better about accepting the gift...Amen?
(7/26/08)
- Michelle
God's constant goal: to show ME that He loves me. [how will i let myself see that?]
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Cor. 12:9-10
The idea that God's grace is sufficient is a better solution than to remove our weaknesses, because then God can be glorified and we can catch a better glimpse of who He is. Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity for the display of divine power. When we allow ourselves to be weak, we give God the chance to move.
God, You know I struggle with showing people my weaknesses and failures, and it's really hard for me to believe the statement that Your grace is enough and that You love me the same -- whether I fail or not. I think the point where I get stuck is in the idea that I can please You by succeeding at everything. That by being strong, You love me more. Unconditional love is so hard to grasp and accept. Becuase I know I don't deserve it. And that's the point. But I feel like I need to do something to deserve it. That's why I can't just sit back and accept blessings from people. They HAVE to be reciprocated. I tihnk that's what it boils down to: it's really hard for me to accept something I don't deserve. And so I work to reciprocate it so that I can feel better about accepting the gift...Amen?
(7/26/08)
Excited for Liiiiife [slash leadership]
Recent epiphanies:
-My conclusion from reading Check All That Apply... God made me multiracial for a reason. God made me. Multiracial. For a reason. God doesn't make mistakes, and was particularly intentional by making me multiracial. When racial rec happens, it moves me to the depths of my soul. Part of the puzzle pieces of my heart, that are shattered because of racial divide, come together. Something inside me becomes whole. I have a passion for racial rec. But it's more than a passion. Because that word doesn't seem to capture it. I feel like God has given me a glimpse of how He feels about racial reconciliation. And it's incredible. I'm excited to live the rest of my life as a multiracial person. Excited to see what God has for me in my life. Even this year. Because He decided to give me a glimpse of what my life could look like if I embraced my identity as he made me -- multiracial. And I was blown away. Moved my soul again. And I caught a glimpse of what it means to be whole.
-By making me multiracial, God has put me in a unique place to pursue and see true diversity in the places He puts me. By calling me to lead worship and lead BCM as a multiracial person, He has put me in a unique position to pursue and see true diversity in BCF. Something that I didn't realize [and still might not] that I longed for so much. Before it was about numbers. About having a certain percentage or whatever of BCF be minorities. Then it became a focus on their individual relationship with God. Now it's a focus on their relationship with God, and with each other. A desire that's too strong to describe in a blog. Or with words.-And as for the ministry of BCM, "The Kingdom of God is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when sown upon the ground, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth; yet when it is sown it grows up and becomes the greatest of all shrubs..." [Mark] BCM has incredible potential for growth. I need to begin to dream.
I need to begin to see BCM through God's eyes. With His boundless vision. I need to begin to dream.
(7/25/08)
A Quote I liked.
A Hasidic tale describes a Rabbi who told people that if they studied the Torah it would put Scripture on their hearts. When someone asked him why he always used the word "on" instead of "in" he said, "Only God can put Scripture inside. But reading sacred text can put it on your hearts, and when your hearts break the holy words will fall inside."
:)
(7/24/08)
:)
(7/24/08)
God, help me to rest in the fact that You are growing me as I pursue You instead of stressing over knowing every way that You're working through me. I want You to use me, and I want to be okay with not knowing exactly how. Give me peace in knowing that You are using me, and God, let that be enough. Help me not obsess over making every conversation spiritual, God. Help me just focus on not passing up Your opportunities. Thank You. Amen.
Right now I'm realizing that I would be disappointed if I didn't make an incredible impact here in Spain. Like if someone doesn't discover or rediscover Jesus while I'm here, then I've failed. I would be disappointed in myself, sure that I hadn't done what God wanted me to. But I am not dictating what God has for me. That's not my job. God is pleased when I seek Him, listen to what He wants me to, and obey. That's all I have to do. God, take away what I expect and replace it with peace. I just want to have you calling the shots. Amen.
Evelyn,
I want you to enjoy yourself. Be in the moment. Don't always be thinking about what you need to do, what conversations to have, etc. for the Kingdom. Be attentive, and I will speak to yu. Don't jump the gun. When you think of Me, praise Me. Don't always think of what you have to do. Be Mary, not Martha.
-God
Oh, and God, one more thing. Please help me get to the place where I can accept that You love me as I am. That You love me even if I do nothing. Thanks. Amen.
(7/9/08)
Right now I'm realizing that I would be disappointed if I didn't make an incredible impact here in Spain. Like if someone doesn't discover or rediscover Jesus while I'm here, then I've failed. I would be disappointed in myself, sure that I hadn't done what God wanted me to. But I am not dictating what God has for me. That's not my job. God is pleased when I seek Him, listen to what He wants me to, and obey. That's all I have to do. God, take away what I expect and replace it with peace. I just want to have you calling the shots. Amen.
Evelyn,
I want you to enjoy yourself. Be in the moment. Don't always be thinking about what you need to do, what conversations to have, etc. for the Kingdom. Be attentive, and I will speak to yu. Don't jump the gun. When you think of Me, praise Me. Don't always think of what you have to do. Be Mary, not Martha.
-God
Oh, and God, one more thing. Please help me get to the place where I can accept that You love me as I am. That You love me even if I do nothing. Thanks. Amen.
(7/9/08)
Of course. I knew the emotional high wouldn't last too long. Hopefully this won't either. God, it's just like that first quarter at UCLA... I need some like-minded people. I can't go 2 months turning down alcohol and smoking. It's only been 6 days, and it's already getting to me.
"What'd you do last night?" And I get nervous. As if I have something to prove to these people. I'm supposed to be a witness.
And right when I need them most, my family is unavailable. And it's expensive to call.
And I'm fighting tears. You know it's affecting me if I'm fighting tears. I just need to go to bed. Everything will be better in the morning. Everything will be better in the morning.
God, I need You. I know I looked for my family. But I really need You. And I'm sitting here, all alone in Spain, surrounding by Spaniards I don't know and American acquaintances who don't know who I am. God, I found a place of joy and excitement for a day or two... and I'm realizing that this is going to be an emotional struggle. One that You can grow me through. But that doesn't make it easier. Somehow I'm supposed to be a light to these people. But I just feel awkward and out of place. I need help, God. Whether it's you or someone alongside me. I need help. I can't do this by myself. It's too overwhelming. Help tonight to be a time where I can just interact and get more intimate with You. I need that. Amen.
(7/5/08)
"What'd you do last night?" And I get nervous. As if I have something to prove to these people. I'm supposed to be a witness.
And right when I need them most, my family is unavailable. And it's expensive to call.
And I'm fighting tears. You know it's affecting me if I'm fighting tears. I just need to go to bed. Everything will be better in the morning. Everything will be better in the morning.
God, I need You. I know I looked for my family. But I really need You. And I'm sitting here, all alone in Spain, surrounding by Spaniards I don't know and American acquaintances who don't know who I am. God, I found a place of joy and excitement for a day or two... and I'm realizing that this is going to be an emotional struggle. One that You can grow me through. But that doesn't make it easier. Somehow I'm supposed to be a light to these people. But I just feel awkward and out of place. I need help, God. Whether it's you or someone alongside me. I need help. I can't do this by myself. It's too overwhelming. Help tonight to be a time where I can just interact and get more intimate with You. I need that. Amen.
(7/5/08)
[thoughts that have little or nothing to do with each other.]
I am not settling. I'm not.
Perhaps in seeking freedom, I simply have to accept grace. And be free.
Pray boldly, pursue biblically, discern spiritually.
Like a peasant. What do I need?
True freedom is being willing to embrace the path to freedom.
(7/5/08)
I am not settling. I'm not.
Perhaps in seeking freedom, I simply have to accept grace. And be free.
Pray boldly, pursue biblically, discern spiritually.
Like a peasant. What do I need?
True freedom is being willing to embrace the path to freedom.
(7/5/08)
[an entry from a journal of old]
12/14/05
The day Christiana didn't have any more pain. I was saying I didn't know why but I do. She was the ultimate act of obedience as she agreed to go through pain so that you could reveal yourself to other people. It's hard to think that she'll never come back, but my prayer is that you always keep her with me and remind me of the joyful things you've given me tonight. I don't want to ever forget how she's obeyed you. I promise to always give you the glory for everything and always thank you everytime you do something through her. I always want to remember how happy she is and how peaceful she is next to you. I want to handle this the right way and I want to help Serena handle this the right way. I love her. Christiana's my inspiration. I only hope that I can be an inspiration like she is.
12/14/05
The day Christiana didn't have any more pain. I was saying I didn't know why but I do. She was the ultimate act of obedience as she agreed to go through pain so that you could reveal yourself to other people. It's hard to think that she'll never come back, but my prayer is that you always keep her with me and remind me of the joyful things you've given me tonight. I don't want to ever forget how she's obeyed you. I promise to always give you the glory for everything and always thank you everytime you do something through her. I always want to remember how happy she is and how peaceful she is next to you. I want to handle this the right way and I want to help Serena handle this the right way. I love her. Christiana's my inspiration. I only hope that I can be an inspiration like she is.
I Wonder
[a compilation of stanzas written from 12/25/05-1/09/06]
I look at the rain
And I wonder what life would be
If you were still here.
(12/25/05)
I think of the ocean
And I look out 'til I can't see further
And I wonder what it's like where you are.
I wonder what it's like to know all
And to see what I can't.
(12/27/05)
I wake up early
To watch the sun rise
And as things get brighter
I wonder
What it's like where you are
Where everything is bright
And where the Son is always rising.
(12/30/05)
I smell the pine
And I am relaxed
And I find peace
And I wonder
What the peace is like where you are
If the piece of me
That was you
Will find peace too.
As I sing
My soft voice interrupting the silence
Ringing
I wonder
What it's like to be at His throne
Singing forever
And I don't want to stop
I think of your strength
And I wonder
What you were thinking
When you were sick
How did you courage come along?
How can I get the courage?
I wonder
How I can be like you
And be strong
(12/31/05)
I look at the stars
And feel the cold wind
And I shiver.
I picture your smiling face
Assuring me that everything will be okay
And telling me not to worry.
I wonder if you're right.
(later 12/31/05)
I awake in the morning
Thinking of you
Rolling over to check the clock
I stretch.
Then I remember
That you're gone
And I quietly lay back down
And go to sleep
Hoping it's all a dream
Wondering
If when I wake again
You'll still
Be gone.
(1/2/06)
I even dream of you
Of things as they were
And I wonder
If I'll dream of how things are now
And if the dreams I have now
Will hurt like they do
When I'm awake.
(1/6/06)
In my dreams
God speaks to me through you
Telling me that through it all
You're always with me
And I can
Also touch
People because we're together.
Then, a new wave comes
Not an overwhelming wave
Of salty chaos in a
Painful tsunami,
But a wave of peace
And I take a deep breath
And put the nightmares to sleep
I tell myself
Which includes you too
To have sweet dreams.
I no longer have to wonder
If I'll be okay
Because I can lay down
In peace
Knowing that you rest too
Knowing that you're always with me
That we're together forever.
Forever.
My wonder is calm. And I sleep.
With you.
(1/9/06)
i used to write a lot more back then.
(6/12/08)
I look at the rain
And I wonder what life would be
If you were still here.
(12/25/05)
I think of the ocean
And I look out 'til I can't see further
And I wonder what it's like where you are.
I wonder what it's like to know all
And to see what I can't.
(12/27/05)
I wake up early
To watch the sun rise
And as things get brighter
I wonder
What it's like where you are
Where everything is bright
And where the Son is always rising.
(12/30/05)
I smell the pine
And I am relaxed
And I find peace
And I wonder
What the peace is like where you are
If the piece of me
That was you
Will find peace too.
As I sing
My soft voice interrupting the silence
Ringing
I wonder
What it's like to be at His throne
Singing forever
And I don't want to stop
I think of your strength
And I wonder
What you were thinking
When you were sick
How did you courage come along?
How can I get the courage?
I wonder
How I can be like you
And be strong
(12/31/05)
I look at the stars
And feel the cold wind
And I shiver.
I picture your smiling face
Assuring me that everything will be okay
And telling me not to worry.
I wonder if you're right.
(later 12/31/05)
I awake in the morning
Thinking of you
Rolling over to check the clock
I stretch.
Then I remember
That you're gone
And I quietly lay back down
And go to sleep
Hoping it's all a dream
Wondering
If when I wake again
You'll still
Be gone.
(1/2/06)
I even dream of you
Of things as they were
And I wonder
If I'll dream of how things are now
And if the dreams I have now
Will hurt like they do
When I'm awake.
(1/6/06)
In my dreams
God speaks to me through you
Telling me that through it all
You're always with me
And I can
Also touch
People because we're together.
Then, a new wave comes
Not an overwhelming wave
Of salty chaos in a
Painful tsunami,
But a wave of peace
And I take a deep breath
And put the nightmares to sleep
I tell myself
Which includes you too
To have sweet dreams.
I no longer have to wonder
If I'll be okay
Because I can lay down
In peace
Knowing that you rest too
Knowing that you're always with me
That we're together forever.
Forever.
My wonder is calm. And I sleep.
With you.
(1/9/06)
i used to write a lot more back then.
(6/12/08)
"You pride yourself in being vulnerable, but you only allow yourself to be vulnerable to a certain point. You're only okay with being vulnerable as long as you can control it. Then there's the wall. Tonight's an opportunity to look past the wall and let people in. To show people that your life isn't perfect and that being truly vulnerable is okay. Tonight is an opportunity to show true worship. Tonight is an opportunity for you to engage with Me."
-God
(5/29/08)
-God
(5/29/08)
This just in:
I'm going to sing "I Give it up" in front of BCF. And Serena. On Thursday. This Thursday. In a time where I hardly any of the lyrics are true. Cool.
Holding back the tears, I put a smile on my face [true]
Hoping that by shoving it aside, the pain would go away [true]
I don't know what to do anymore, there must be another way [true]
But with all this bundled up inside, I can't do anything but say [nope]
I give it up, I let it go, I let the tears fall [yeah... no]
Let the burden be lifted and bondage untangled [not yet]
I want to be free [true but anger's nice too]
Then suddenly I am lifted and I fall to my knees [yeah right]
Amazed at how You still love me [I wouldn't exactly say 'amazed'... and 'love'?]
Then I start to find the peace [what's peace?]
My body's shaking, my soul is tired [yep]
I have a heavy heart [true]
All this time I was doing it all, thinking that was smart [isn't it?]
I'm not quite ready to begin anew, so tomorrow's when I'll start [yeah, let's postpone it]
But with all the weight and stress on me, my life just falls apart [not false]
I kneel here, quietly, thinking, crying [uh, yeah]
I haven't done this in awhile [that's true]
I'm filled with love, with peace, with hope [biggest lie]
And I find that I can smile [wait for real, or the smile in the beginning of the song?]
This should be interesting.
(5/25/08)
I'm going to sing "I Give it up" in front of BCF. And Serena. On Thursday. This Thursday. In a time where I hardly any of the lyrics are true. Cool.
Holding back the tears, I put a smile on my face [true]
Hoping that by shoving it aside, the pain would go away [true]
I don't know what to do anymore, there must be another way [true]
But with all this bundled up inside, I can't do anything but say [nope]
I give it up, I let it go, I let the tears fall [yeah... no]
Let the burden be lifted and bondage untangled [not yet]
I want to be free [true but anger's nice too]
Then suddenly I am lifted and I fall to my knees [yeah right]
Amazed at how You still love me [I wouldn't exactly say 'amazed'... and 'love'?]
Then I start to find the peace [what's peace?]
My body's shaking, my soul is tired [yep]
I have a heavy heart [true]
All this time I was doing it all, thinking that was smart [isn't it?]
I'm not quite ready to begin anew, so tomorrow's when I'll start [yeah, let's postpone it]
But with all the weight and stress on me, my life just falls apart [not false]
I kneel here, quietly, thinking, crying [uh, yeah]
I haven't done this in awhile [that's true]
I'm filled with love, with peace, with hope [biggest lie]
And I find that I can smile [wait for real, or the smile in the beginning of the song?]
This should be interesting.
(5/25/08)
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
[maybe if i say it enough, i'll believe it.]
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan.
[maybe if i say it enough, i'll believe it.]
When I stress,
I begin to wonder:
If I can't handle what I'm doing right now, how am I possibly going to handle adding more to my schedule next year?
I think I'm really tired. And then when I want to sit in stress (yes, want) God still decides to whisper, With Me, all things are possible.
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
(5/13/08)
I begin to wonder:
If I can't handle what I'm doing right now, how am I possibly going to handle adding more to my schedule next year?
I think I'm really tired. And then when I want to sit in stress (yes, want) God still decides to whisper, With Me, all things are possible.
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
(5/13/08)
pen to paper
whispering softly
secrets
no one can read it
I want someone to read it
they need to know her
writing takes too long
the internet is too public
put my hood on
see her smiling
my fingers typing
the rainbow she painted
the rainbow we spotted
a promise
SpongeBob consuming
people wondering
am I obsessed
it reminds me of her
everything I do
SpongeBob is with me
she is with me
only the happy thoughts
her voice
suh-ree-nuhhh
mom! she did the 'ff'
twenty-nine months
since I've heard those words
I like thinking about her
I like writing about her
throw the brick
wake me up
remind me
that it will be
nearly forever
until I hear those words again.
(5/7/08)
whispering softly
secrets
no one can read it
I want someone to read it
they need to know her
writing takes too long
the internet is too public
put my hood on
see her smiling
my fingers typing
the rainbow she painted
the rainbow we spotted
a promise
SpongeBob consuming
people wondering
am I obsessed
it reminds me of her
everything I do
SpongeBob is with me
she is with me
only the happy thoughts
her voice
suh-ree-nuhhh
mom! she did the 'ff'
twenty-nine months
since I've heard those words
I like thinking about her
I like writing about her
throw the brick
wake me up
remind me
that it will be
nearly forever
until I hear those words again.
(5/7/08)
Thin veil
Christiana's story brought someone closer to Jesus again, and two days ago he decided to follow Jesus completely.
I wish I could tangibly tell her and Jesus thank you.
(4/29/08)
I wish I could tangibly tell her and Jesus thank you.
(4/29/08)
Overwhelmed.
Today I said, slightly without thinking: "Being overwhelmed seems to be the story of my life."
Not good.
I oscillate from overwhelmed to peace to overwhelmed. Except the peace lasts only a moment. It comes when I know that I actually am in the place that God wants me right now.
Then the moment is gone. And I'm overwhelmed again.
Worship isn't so overwhelming.
But BCM is.
And DESMA is.
And classes are.
And then I go back to thinking, Am I really where God wants me?
It's hard when I don't feel like the people around me support me. It makes me feel
overwhelmed.
(4/20/08)
Not good.
I oscillate from overwhelmed to peace to overwhelmed. Except the peace lasts only a moment. It comes when I know that I actually am in the place that God wants me right now.
Then the moment is gone. And I'm overwhelmed again.
Worship isn't so overwhelming.
But BCM is.
And DESMA is.
And classes are.
And then I go back to thinking, Am I really where God wants me?
It's hard when I don't feel like the people around me support me. It makes me feel
overwhelmed.
(4/20/08)
Plans for a hope and a future
(in the climax of worship)
God (standing, looking down, arms outstretched, receiving my worship): You, My child, are in the heart of discovering your purpose.
(4/13/08)
God (standing, looking down, arms outstretched, receiving my worship): You, My child, are in the heart of discovering your purpose.
(4/13/08)
A peace that is fleeting
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." - Luke 9:23
I am still trying to feel at peace about my decisions in leadership next year. It's been really stressful thinking about all that I have to do, still keeping the thought in the back of my head that I don't want my life to be completely IV.
Which then makes me remember that I'm not the one who controls my life. And at church today the pastor read this verse and a wave of peace fell over me about leadership, as if God was reassuring me and letting me know that I was making the right decision about leadership.
But now church is over. And I still feel stressed. I enjoy what I'm doing. I really do. But I compare what I do to what others do. It's hard not to get a holier-than-thou feeling about it and it's hard not to be Martha. Because I know we're called to bring God glory, and sometimes I do feel that I'm headed in the direction that God wants me. But only sometimes.
God, please bring that peace. That peace that transcends all understanding. Please give me guidance as to where you want me to be. Help me to know when it's too much and when it's too little. With all my heart I desperately want my life to bring You glory. Show me what that means. Amen.
(3/6/08)
I am still trying to feel at peace about my decisions in leadership next year. It's been really stressful thinking about all that I have to do, still keeping the thought in the back of my head that I don't want my life to be completely IV.
Which then makes me remember that I'm not the one who controls my life. And at church today the pastor read this verse and a wave of peace fell over me about leadership, as if God was reassuring me and letting me know that I was making the right decision about leadership.
But now church is over. And I still feel stressed. I enjoy what I'm doing. I really do. But I compare what I do to what others do. It's hard not to get a holier-than-thou feeling about it and it's hard not to be Martha. Because I know we're called to bring God glory, and sometimes I do feel that I'm headed in the direction that God wants me. But only sometimes.
God, please bring that peace. That peace that transcends all understanding. Please give me guidance as to where you want me to be. Help me to know when it's too much and when it's too little. With all my heart I desperately want my life to bring You glory. Show me what that means. Amen.
(3/6/08)
"Every nation, tribe, people and language"
After months, maybe even years, of desiring diversity at a church, I have always thought that I desired it because I was never in the majority and I just wanted more of "my people" there. Then when I got to BCF, and BSM and LaFe existed, I wasn't satisfied. Something about Oasis and Abundant Life felt like home, but still I wasn't satisfied. This desire has plagued me all throughout this year, and Thursday God revealed his heart for multiethnicity and diversity within the church. My desire now makes sense, and after getting a vision of what a God-pleasing-diverse-BCF would look like, my heart is full.
John paints such a beautiful picture of this diversity in Revelation, the images of heaven and perfect worship:
"Then I saw another angel flying in midair, and he had the eternal gospel to proclaim to those who live on the earth -- to every nation, tribe, language and people." -14:6
God's plan for outreach does consist of multiethnic evangelism, and I just get this image in my head of Him smiling through our cross-ethnic relationship building, through our desire to connect more races into the larger body of BCF through a mixture in the audience. True diversity.
"And [the four living creatures and twenty-four elders] sang a new song:
'You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.' " 5:9-10
The commentary in my Bible says that the "new song" referred to in v.9 celebrated a divine deliverance or blessing. Jesus died on the cross so that He could save people from every tribe, again reflecting His desire for diversity. Jesus isn't partial.
"After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:
'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.' " 7:9-10
This image of people from all countries and all races worshipping together is so beautiful. There's no room for hatred or stereotypes or exclusivity because they all have the same purpose: to worship God incredibly fully.
Such a beautiful picture. Though we are far from perfect, my desire is that BCF would reflect 7:9-10. I wish that God would look at our fellowship as we worship and see that we reflect His value for a multi-ethnic community...
(4/5/08)
John paints such a beautiful picture of this diversity in Revelation, the images of heaven and perfect worship:
"Then I saw another angel flying in midair, and he had the eternal gospel to proclaim to those who live on the earth -- to every nation, tribe, language and people." -14:6
God's plan for outreach does consist of multiethnic evangelism, and I just get this image in my head of Him smiling through our cross-ethnic relationship building, through our desire to connect more races into the larger body of BCF through a mixture in the audience. True diversity.
"And [the four living creatures and twenty-four elders] sang a new song:
'You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.' " 5:9-10
The commentary in my Bible says that the "new song" referred to in v.9 celebrated a divine deliverance or blessing. Jesus died on the cross so that He could save people from every tribe, again reflecting His desire for diversity. Jesus isn't partial.
"After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:
'Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.' " 7:9-10
This image of people from all countries and all races worshipping together is so beautiful. There's no room for hatred or stereotypes or exclusivity because they all have the same purpose: to worship God incredibly fully.
Such a beautiful picture. Though we are far from perfect, my desire is that BCF would reflect 7:9-10. I wish that God would look at our fellowship as we worship and see that we reflect His value for a multi-ethnic community...
(4/5/08)
Say Hi to Everyone
A little heavenly hello... Andre is in 6th grade I think, and he and Christiana used to be friends. He's the sweetest little kid. This is a message my mom got from him today:
"Um, Mrs. Powery? Hi this is Andre and I was just saying that when I was playing baseball I heard Christiana and when I was batting she said 'hi' and she said 'try' and I tried and I missed both of them but when I was in the dugout she said, um... she said, um... she said... sorry... she said... oh yeah... she said, um, 'say hi to everyone' and at the end of the game she said 'family' and I just wanted you to know that she wanted to say 'hi' to you and I'm so happy I heard it and, um, yeah and my mom said she would email you. Okay, um, so love you guys. Bye."
Sometimes it still seems to hit fresh, like I had forgotten that she died or like I had forgotten the pain or how long ago it was so how recent it was or how my life used to be. Then it hits me again. It's comforting, incredibly and abundantly comforting, to know that she is with the angels, but I never stop wondering what life would be like if she were still here.
(4/3/08)
"Um, Mrs. Powery? Hi this is Andre and I was just saying that when I was playing baseball I heard Christiana and when I was batting she said 'hi' and she said 'try' and I tried and I missed both of them but when I was in the dugout she said, um... she said, um... she said... sorry... she said... oh yeah... she said, um, 'say hi to everyone' and at the end of the game she said 'family' and I just wanted you to know that she wanted to say 'hi' to you and I'm so happy I heard it and, um, yeah and my mom said she would email you. Okay, um, so love you guys. Bye."
Sometimes it still seems to hit fresh, like I had forgotten that she died or like I had forgotten the pain or how long ago it was so how recent it was or how my life used to be. Then it hits me again. It's comforting, incredibly and abundantly comforting, to know that she is with the angels, but I never stop wondering what life would be like if she were still here.
(4/3/08)
Who am I?
God has control over everything I do in my life. He knows what I will do with my life. I am trying to come to terms with staying an extra quarter or an extra year. It's all in God's hands.
Lord, who am I compared to your glory, oh Lord?
Lord, who am I compared to your majesty?
I am your beloved.
(3/22/08)
Lord, who am I compared to your glory, oh Lord?
Lord, who am I compared to your majesty?
I am your beloved.
(3/22/08)
For I know
Hi God. Today as we sang "I Surrender All," I asked myself, Gee, God, what do you want me to surrender? And I remembered everything. I have no idea what my major will be, how I'll graduate on time, how much ministry to do, if I should get a job, if I can get a job, who to invest in, what to say to her, how to deal with the other girl. And I'm overwhelmed because life is passing me by. I'm meeting and getting to know incredible people who are changing my life, who, tragically, who will leave my life once I graduate.
These thoughts had so plagued my soul that the weight was no longer foreign.
It is easy to surrender during the song. Then we transition into a faster song, a more upbeat one, about how we're all blessed and how You're awesome. And my mind wandered.
God, I really have a lot to study today. On my study breaks, I should start using Photoshop because the Ad Team will want me to know how to use it and so will anyone in DESMA and any job. I'm running out of time. Spring break I won't be able to do it and then the quarter starts again. Then I'll be gone all summer. Okay. I'm going to start today. I really need to learn the other Adobe programs too. When will I have time? I have to learn them. "For I know the plans that I have for you." If I'm going to make the Bruin Ad Team next year, I have to know them. Do I even have time for the Ad Team? I hardly have time for another commitment right now and I'll be adding that, the difficulty of DESMA, BSM, and leading worship. And I need to take four classes. "For I know..." Should I take four classes next quarter? But there's nothing left to take. I don't have to take gospel choir. I'll just petition for a DESMA class. It'll be 21 units but I can handle it. "For I..." I have to take four classes next quarter. I won't graduate on time if I don't...
Except the problem is, I've already gone through this in my mind. I've already rationalized the whole commitment thing and taking four classes and graduating on time. And all the while, there's a whisper, and a knowledge that You have everything under control. That You have controlled everything perfectly up to this point.
Why then do I worry?
(3/16/08)
These thoughts had so plagued my soul that the weight was no longer foreign.
It is easy to surrender during the song. Then we transition into a faster song, a more upbeat one, about how we're all blessed and how You're awesome. And my mind wandered.
God, I really have a lot to study today. On my study breaks, I should start using Photoshop because the Ad Team will want me to know how to use it and so will anyone in DESMA and any job. I'm running out of time. Spring break I won't be able to do it and then the quarter starts again. Then I'll be gone all summer. Okay. I'm going to start today. I really need to learn the other Adobe programs too. When will I have time? I have to learn them. "For I know the plans that I have for you." If I'm going to make the Bruin Ad Team next year, I have to know them. Do I even have time for the Ad Team? I hardly have time for another commitment right now and I'll be adding that, the difficulty of DESMA, BSM, and leading worship. And I need to take four classes. "For I know..." Should I take four classes next quarter? But there's nothing left to take. I don't have to take gospel choir. I'll just petition for a DESMA class. It'll be 21 units but I can handle it. "For I..." I have to take four classes next quarter. I won't graduate on time if I don't...
Except the problem is, I've already gone through this in my mind. I've already rationalized the whole commitment thing and taking four classes and graduating on time. And all the while, there's a whisper, and a knowledge that You have everything under control. That You have controlled everything perfectly up to this point.
Why then do I worry?
(3/16/08)
And it's back.
That all-too-familiar feeling. That feeling I thought was gone because I thought I'd solved this problem. But it's back.
And the weight returns.
My vision is hazy. My heart hurts. Opposing sides ripping me apart. And all the while I remain confused.
I pray that I will have the courage, the strength, the words to articulate what I am feeling. I pray that God will show me the answer. And grant me peace.
Ask and you shall receive.
And P.S. I really want to do DESMA.
(3/13/08)
And the weight returns.
My vision is hazy. My heart hurts. Opposing sides ripping me apart. And all the while I remain confused.
I pray that I will have the courage, the strength, the words to articulate what I am feeling. I pray that God will show me the answer. And grant me peace.
Ask and you shall receive.
And P.S. I really want to do DESMA.
(3/13/08)
A perfect blend
Yesterday I went to Kimmy and Albert's wedding. There were two things that I really loved about the wedding:
1) the way that when Kimmy walked down the aisle, the traditional wedding song wasn't playing. Mike was playing, "Holy, Holy, Holy". I thought that that was more appropriate.
2) the way that Kimmy and Albert blended their different cultures in the wedding. The way that the Bible was read in English and Spanish. The way that they had the lasso ritual while "Amazing Grace" was sung. The way that at the reception Kimmy wore her Belizian attire while a Mariachi band was playing. The way that during the slideshow, they played Stevie Wonder during Kimmy's pictures and Santana during Albert's.
I wondered why this mix affected me so much. But during the wedding and reception, all I could think about was how I really wanted this to happen in my wedding. Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed the Mariachi and "Amazing Grace." I enjoyed "Beloved" and "Te Alabare."
Today at church, God revealed to me why it hit home: The wedding represents my life. My life is mixture of cultures tht God wnts to blend together.
God spoke very clearly today at church:
"You are a perfect blend
a beautiful demonstration of my creativity
The division is not 50-50
Or 50-25-25
It overlaps
There is no division
You are a living representation of diversity
Multiple cultures blending together
Into one beautiful woman
Everything you do is an outward leaking of who you are
Displaying your cultures
While resting in My joy
In My security
There is not distinct line
Dividing you into opposing sides
My vision for unity is made manifest in you
The warring sides
The uncertainty
But my desire is for you
Is that you would be unified
Is that there would be a blend
A mix of cultures
That there would be no worry of
Favoritism
That you wouldn't be Puerto Rican in one setting
And Jamaican in another
I want to develop you into someone
Who is Jamaica Rican everywhere
Who is a direct reflection of Me
Who lets My love
My joy
My healing flow through you
You are a perfect blend
Don't worry about how to live that out
I will guide you
I will teach you
Just remember who you are
Just remember who you are
A perfect blend."
(3/9/08)
1) the way that when Kimmy walked down the aisle, the traditional wedding song wasn't playing. Mike was playing, "Holy, Holy, Holy". I thought that that was more appropriate.
2) the way that Kimmy and Albert blended their different cultures in the wedding. The way that the Bible was read in English and Spanish. The way that they had the lasso ritual while "Amazing Grace" was sung. The way that at the reception Kimmy wore her Belizian attire while a Mariachi band was playing. The way that during the slideshow, they played Stevie Wonder during Kimmy's pictures and Santana during Albert's.
I wondered why this mix affected me so much. But during the wedding and reception, all I could think about was how I really wanted this to happen in my wedding. Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed the Mariachi and "Amazing Grace." I enjoyed "Beloved" and "Te Alabare."
Today at church, God revealed to me why it hit home: The wedding represents my life. My life is mixture of cultures tht God wnts to blend together.
God spoke very clearly today at church:
"You are a perfect blend
a beautiful demonstration of my creativity
The division is not 50-50
Or 50-25-25
It overlaps
There is no division
You are a living representation of diversity
Multiple cultures blending together
Into one beautiful woman
Everything you do is an outward leaking of who you are
Displaying your cultures
While resting in My joy
In My security
There is not distinct line
Dividing you into opposing sides
My vision for unity is made manifest in you
The warring sides
The uncertainty
But my desire is for you
Is that you would be unified
Is that there would be a blend
A mix of cultures
That there would be no worry of
Favoritism
That you wouldn't be Puerto Rican in one setting
And Jamaican in another
I want to develop you into someone
Who is Jamaica Rican everywhere
Who is a direct reflection of Me
Who lets My love
My joy
My healing flow through you
You are a perfect blend
Don't worry about how to live that out
I will guide you
I will teach you
Just remember who you are
Just remember who you are
A perfect blend."
(3/9/08)
Praise
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ." (Ephesians 1:3)
I woke up this morning with the urge to give God praises. I was just filled with so much joy and all I wanted to do was thank God.
So here's my own "Praise be to the God and Father...":
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has planned my life so that I can enjoy every day stress-free,
who has surrounded me with family and friends who love me and love God and can support me on the journey,
who has given me strength through difficult times,
who gives me energy when I'm tired,
who gives me joy so I can be Jesus to someone else.
To Him be the glory and honor and power forever and ever. Amen.
(3/3/08)
I woke up this morning with the urge to give God praises. I was just filled with so much joy and all I wanted to do was thank God.
So here's my own "Praise be to the God and Father...":
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has planned my life so that I can enjoy every day stress-free,
who has surrounded me with family and friends who love me and love God and can support me on the journey,
who has given me strength through difficult times,
who gives me energy when I'm tired,
who gives me joy so I can be Jesus to someone else.
To Him be the glory and honor and power forever and ever. Amen.
(3/3/08)
More than anything
This is what I wish for more than anything:
1) That I would know what complete freedom is like.
2) That she would know complete freedom and that she would fall deeply in love with Jesus.
3) That Christiana were still here.
4) That I hadn't said what I said to him.
But as angry as I still am at him, a part of me, the part that hurts for Serena and the part that God dwells in and the part that still believes he's a good person, a part of me still wants him to fall into Jesus' arms too.
I thought I was done dealing with it. But somehow I wrote it on a postcard. And somehow I wanted to tell someone.
I wish I knew what complete freedom looked like.
(2/27/08)
1) That I would know what complete freedom is like.
2) That she would know complete freedom and that she would fall deeply in love with Jesus.
3) That Christiana were still here.
4) That I hadn't said what I said to him.
But as angry as I still am at him, a part of me, the part that hurts for Serena and the part that God dwells in and the part that still believes he's a good person, a part of me still wants him to fall into Jesus' arms too.
I thought I was done dealing with it. But somehow I wrote it on a postcard. And somehow I wanted to tell someone.
I wish I knew what complete freedom looked like.
(2/27/08)
Why
does this keep happening? My heart aches every time. And I can't predict it either.
God, when will the ice finally be broken? And help Canticle 3:5 be true in my life. Amen.
(2/25/08)
God, when will the ice finally be broken? And help Canticle 3:5 be true in my life. Amen.
(2/25/08)
Joy
I am blessed. I am incredibly blessed.
I have finally realized what it means for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. You really do get strength from being filled with God's amazing joy.
(2/24/08)
I have finally realized what it means for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. You really do get strength from being filled with God's amazing joy.
(2/24/08)
I love.
God.
Rosemary.
Dykstra.
Lack of indecision.
My parents.
Jessica Pham.
God.
"All things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
(2/19/08)
Rosemary.
Dykstra.
Lack of indecision.
My parents.
Jessica Pham.
God.
"All things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
(2/19/08)
Hold me
God, what are You testing? Please let me be open to what Rosemary wants. Help me to see what You're doing through this. Help me to see how I could live outside of Jess's area and outside the major support and still reach out to black students. Continue to confirm my decision as student leader regardless of where I live. I know that You don't give me more than I can handle. Give me peace. Help me to see past the manipulation and misunderstanding on both sides. You're the only One who understands. Wrap me in Your arms.
I need you, Lord.
Hear my cry.
Amen.
(2/16/08)
I need you, Lord.
Hear my cry.
Amen.
(2/16/08)
I've made my decision
"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path...
I am still confident of this;
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
-Psalm 27:7-11,13-14
(2/16/08)
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path...
I am still confident of this;
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
-Psalm 27:7-11,13-14
(2/16/08)
I really don't
like not knowing what's going to happen next year. The unfortunate solution to this problem is that God will send me issues that will test my patience and my faith in His plan.
I think I'm a really indecisive person. I've gotten better at this. Now my problem is that, because of my fear in making an unwise decision, I tend to oscillate between the two sides of the situation. In this case, I'm bouncing back and forth about whether to be a student leader or not. I don't know.
I really don't
know.
(2/14/08)
I think I'm a really indecisive person. I've gotten better at this. Now my problem is that, because of my fear in making an unwise decision, I tend to oscillate between the two sides of the situation. In this case, I'm bouncing back and forth about whether to be a student leader or not. I don't know.
I really don't
know.
(2/14/08)
Out-of-the-box adventures
Today's adventure was disappointingly anti-climactic. I guess this means that God should be in control of dictating my adventures rather than me.
Fair enough.
(2/13/08)
Fair enough.
(2/13/08)
Sweet and Sour
I was walking to the library and this class of 3rd graders were eating in the middle of their tour of UCLA. Two girls stood up and waved to me (everyone else was busy talking, laughing, etc) and I waved back and smiled. They got really excited and then I stopped to talk to them for a bit.
"We're playing sweet and sour," the girl explained.
"My sister used to love that game!" I told them.
(They smiled.)
"We've gotten 7 people so far!" the girl told me, holding up 8 fingers.
"Really! What grade are you guys in?"
"3rd."
Suddenly 5 more girls come up to me.
"UCLA's really pretty!"
"What does UCLA stand for?"
"Do you like it here?"
Then one girl boldly runs over and says, "I like your top!"
"Thanks," I said.
"I like your curly hair!" she continued. Then she ran over and grabbed her friend.
"We both like your top," she said.
"Thanks, I like yours too," I told them. They blushed and smiled and looked at what they were wearing.
"We're really into fashion," she told me.
"You should go to college for fashion and then do that when you grow up!" I said.
"We already want to. We're going to a fashion school."
Then the chaperone called them over and so I said bye. As I was leaving they giggled and whispered to each other.
If only they knew they'd made my day as much as I'd made theirs.
(2/12/08)
"We're playing sweet and sour," the girl explained.
"My sister used to love that game!" I told them.
(They smiled.)
"We've gotten 7 people so far!" the girl told me, holding up 8 fingers.
"Really! What grade are you guys in?"
"3rd."
Suddenly 5 more girls come up to me.
"UCLA's really pretty!"
"What does UCLA stand for?"
"Do you like it here?"
Then one girl boldly runs over and says, "I like your top!"
"Thanks," I said.
"I like your curly hair!" she continued. Then she ran over and grabbed her friend.
"We both like your top," she said.
"Thanks, I like yours too," I told them. They blushed and smiled and looked at what they were wearing.
"We're really into fashion," she told me.
"You should go to college for fashion and then do that when you grow up!" I said.
"We already want to. We're going to a fashion school."
Then the chaperone called them over and so I said bye. As I was leaving they giggled and whispered to each other.
If only they knew they'd made my day as much as I'd made theirs.
(2/12/08)
Attachment (10 mins later)
So I just finished posting this and suddenly God blesses me with a solution to fixing my scanner, a problem I've been trying to frustratingly tackle for weeks.
Normally when someone blesses me exceedingly, I attach myself to them.
What will be my response to God?
(2/12/08)
Normally when someone blesses me exceedingly, I attach myself to them.
What will be my response to God?
(2/12/08)
Attachment
I think I tend to attach myself too easily to people. I don't attach myself to everyone, but when I find someone attachment-worthy, I tend to do so. I grew up so used to having to pour out to people and feeling drained after being with them. Back then attachments were very rare. So when I meet someone who doesn't drain me, naturally, I get excited.
And I tend to emotionally cling.
I'm not sure if it's apparent to the victim because I think a lot of it happens in my head. I am constantly evaluating my relationships to see how much effort I should put into each one. Relationships change, so that a mutual friendship that I had when I was little now doesn't exist. It's hard to let those go, harder because I really like the person and like our friendship.
It hurts me when I realize that I really like one of my friends and I end up liking her more than she likes me. Sure, she likes me, but I wouldn't be her #1 choice to hang out with when she would be mine. I get excited whenever I am with her just becaues I really enjoy her company. There are just some people that I just like being around. No words need to be said. It's kinda like the fact that when I go home, I like running errands with my mom just to be with her because I've missed her. Or the fact that I like it when Rose decides to study in the room because I like being with her. No deep conversations necessary. Just their presence.
When I do realize that a certain friendship isn't mutual, I frantically search for a way to bless that person because of the unbalanced ways in which they've blessed me. I cling to the hope that the relationship will become mutual, but more often than not, it doesn't. My gifts are accepted with a polite thank-you and a hug, perhaps a tear, but the relationship doesn't change. That hurts me.
While I would love to sit here in my pity party and sigh about my friendships, God tells me instead that that's how I am with Him. He'll give me something, anything, just to be with me, and for awhile it's nice, but in the end, the relationship doesn't change. That hurts Him.
Funny how the spotlight suddenly went from me to Him...
(2/12/08)
And I tend to emotionally cling.
I'm not sure if it's apparent to the victim because I think a lot of it happens in my head. I am constantly evaluating my relationships to see how much effort I should put into each one. Relationships change, so that a mutual friendship that I had when I was little now doesn't exist. It's hard to let those go, harder because I really like the person and like our friendship.
It hurts me when I realize that I really like one of my friends and I end up liking her more than she likes me. Sure, she likes me, but I wouldn't be her #1 choice to hang out with when she would be mine. I get excited whenever I am with her just becaues I really enjoy her company. There are just some people that I just like being around. No words need to be said. It's kinda like the fact that when I go home, I like running errands with my mom just to be with her because I've missed her. Or the fact that I like it when Rose decides to study in the room because I like being with her. No deep conversations necessary. Just their presence.
When I do realize that a certain friendship isn't mutual, I frantically search for a way to bless that person because of the unbalanced ways in which they've blessed me. I cling to the hope that the relationship will become mutual, but more often than not, it doesn't. My gifts are accepted with a polite thank-you and a hug, perhaps a tear, but the relationship doesn't change. That hurts me.
While I would love to sit here in my pity party and sigh about my friendships, God tells me instead that that's how I am with Him. He'll give me something, anything, just to be with me, and for awhile it's nice, but in the end, the relationship doesn't change. That hurts Him.
Funny how the spotlight suddenly went from me to Him...
(2/12/08)
Heaping Spaghetti
I just saw a girl in the dining hall who I'm pretty sure is bulimic. I went to the dining hall by myself to just think (it's been a pretty quiet, stressful day) and sat in the corner table facing everyone so I could people-watch. As I was walking into the dining hall, a girl said that she had just come back from the bathroom and would they please let her back in. She insisted that she had gotten permission to go to the bathroom outside the dining hall and re-enter, and had a book at her table to prove it.
Turns out she's sitting at the table next to me. As I'm eating, I didn't notice her at first, just noticed that she went to the microwave to heat up a heaping plate of spaghetti. Once she finished the spaghetti, she started piling up plates from her tray to take to the conveyor. She piled five plates, a bowl, and a cup on top of each other and took those to the conveyor, leaving her book, tray and the remaining two plates and crumpled napkins behind. Naturally, as I silently watched this, I noticed that this was (or used to be) a lot of food.
She came back a few minutes later with two doughnuts and three pastries on a plate. I thought she was going to smuggle these out, but as she sat down and continued reading, she scarfed down the desserts like she was really hungry. And I kept looking at this girl to see if there was any evidence as to where all of this food was going. But she was skinny. Not skin-and-bones skinny, but thin. Normal.
Then, as I finished up my meal, she was done with the desserts and left her tray. I wondered if she was going to get even more food, or if I was simply blowing this out of proportion. She brought back a full glass of strawberry milk and chugged this down too. Then she went for more. Not wanting to be obvious as I sat there finished, I put my tray away and got a fruit. Then as I was leaving, I decided to take one last peek at this girl. She was back at the table, with another heaping plate of spaghetti.
My heart hurts for this girl. I wonder what's going through her head as she sits in the corner of the dining hall binging on all of this food where no one can see her. Looking around at everyone else, you see people talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. The thing is, she wasn't ugly either. Her back was to me while she was eating (hence it was possible for me to note in detail what she was eating) but I did catch a glimpse of her face when she enterred the dining hall and when she got up to get more food. She's pretty. I wonder what's going through her head, that she feels the need to eat so much, excuse herself from the dining hall for the bathroom, and then return for another feast.
God, please bring someone into that girl's life who can show her Your love. Open up her heart to the idea of a love that's unconditional. Fill her with Your love so that she will be able to smile. Amen.
(2/9/08)
Turns out she's sitting at the table next to me. As I'm eating, I didn't notice her at first, just noticed that she went to the microwave to heat up a heaping plate of spaghetti. Once she finished the spaghetti, she started piling up plates from her tray to take to the conveyor. She piled five plates, a bowl, and a cup on top of each other and took those to the conveyor, leaving her book, tray and the remaining two plates and crumpled napkins behind. Naturally, as I silently watched this, I noticed that this was (or used to be) a lot of food.
She came back a few minutes later with two doughnuts and three pastries on a plate. I thought she was going to smuggle these out, but as she sat down and continued reading, she scarfed down the desserts like she was really hungry. And I kept looking at this girl to see if there was any evidence as to where all of this food was going. But she was skinny. Not skin-and-bones skinny, but thin. Normal.
Then, as I finished up my meal, she was done with the desserts and left her tray. I wondered if she was going to get even more food, or if I was simply blowing this out of proportion. She brought back a full glass of strawberry milk and chugged this down too. Then she went for more. Not wanting to be obvious as I sat there finished, I put my tray away and got a fruit. Then as I was leaving, I decided to take one last peek at this girl. She was back at the table, with another heaping plate of spaghetti.
My heart hurts for this girl. I wonder what's going through her head as she sits in the corner of the dining hall binging on all of this food where no one can see her. Looking around at everyone else, you see people talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. The thing is, she wasn't ugly either. Her back was to me while she was eating (hence it was possible for me to note in detail what she was eating) but I did catch a glimpse of her face when she enterred the dining hall and when she got up to get more food. She's pretty. I wonder what's going through her head, that she feels the need to eat so much, excuse herself from the dining hall for the bathroom, and then return for another feast.
God, please bring someone into that girl's life who can show her Your love. Open up her heart to the idea of a love that's unconditional. Fill her with Your love so that she will be able to smile. Amen.
(2/9/08)
Possible
Is it possible to
appreciate some aspects
of both parts of my cultures
while still focusing on
and being completely
secure
in the strongest part of my identity:
God?
(2/9/08 Happy birthday)
appreciate some aspects
of both parts of my cultures
while still focusing on
and being completely
secure
in the strongest part of my identity:
God?
(2/9/08 Happy birthday)
Gently
A dream.
So real, yet not
I felt her, touched her
Kissed her.
Looking at photos of a face deceased
Her face
She awoke, in bed
I went over, unphased.
Serena was there.
I sat with them, stroked her hair
She leaned into me.
She couldn't move much, but she could
Feel her legs.
She looked skinny, but not sick
We talked, laughed
I helped her move, my hand behind her head.
I was very gentle.
I knew she would die again soon, but I wasn't
Worried
Serena and I laid with her, faces touching
Her responses got slower
I didn't want to lose her
I was still calm
We were there for a funeral
But not hers
As people arrived for the funeral, I looked down.
I was wearing black.
I didn't want to leave her.
The funeral was starting...
I stalled.
I didn't want to leave her.
I never worried about her because somehow
I knew
This was a dream
I knew she wasn't supposed to be alive.
I held her head and gently laid it down
She was adjusting, and her head almost fell off the bed
She couldn't support her head
I caught her
Gently
I held her head
Stroked her hair
Kissed her
Gently.
(2/8/08) one day prior to her 13th birthday
So real, yet not
I felt her, touched her
Kissed her.
Looking at photos of a face deceased
Her face
She awoke, in bed
I went over, unphased.
Serena was there.
I sat with them, stroked her hair
She leaned into me.
She couldn't move much, but she could
Feel her legs.
She looked skinny, but not sick
We talked, laughed
I helped her move, my hand behind her head.
I was very gentle.
I knew she would die again soon, but I wasn't
Worried
Serena and I laid with her, faces touching
Her responses got slower
I didn't want to lose her
I was still calm
We were there for a funeral
But not hers
As people arrived for the funeral, I looked down.
I was wearing black.
I didn't want to leave her.
The funeral was starting...
I stalled.
I didn't want to leave her.
I never worried about her because somehow
I knew
This was a dream
I knew she wasn't supposed to be alive.
I held her head and gently laid it down
She was adjusting, and her head almost fell off the bed
She couldn't support her head
I caught her
Gently
I held her head
Stroked her hair
Kissed her
Gently.
(2/8/08) one day prior to her 13th birthday
Thirteen
By the way, Christiana's birthday is coming up. It's on Saturday.
She would've been thirteen.
She would've been a teenager.
She would've gotten her purity ring.
I wonder how Saturday will go. I wonder if I will feel.
(2/5/08)
She would've been thirteen.
She would've been a teenager.
She would've gotten her purity ring.
I wonder how Saturday will go. I wonder if I will feel.
(2/5/08)
Entirety
Am I betraying my Puerto-Rican-self by only focusing on black people for BCF? Technically, am I even black?
Sure, I look like I'm partly black, but I also look like I'm partly hispanic. It leaves people confused wondering what I am, and they try to skirt around the topic and bring it up creatively, while all the while wondering, "What is she??"
And sure, it's nice to create the confusion. It's nice to have them wondering. I like being mixed. I do. But what should I be focusing on? Should I give equal attention to both sides? Or, for that matter, should I give 50% of my attention to Puerto Ricans, 25% of my attention to Jamaicans, and 25% of my attention to those from the Cayman Islands? Not necessarily, because people don't only reach out to those in their own race. Or maybe they do. Maybe that's why BCF looks the way it does.
But should I give attention to my hispanic side? Should I be involved in LaFe? I don't feel called to lead hispanic people. I feel called to lead black people. But is that okay?
I want people to know the entirety of who I am. I want people to know me in my entirety.
(2/5/08)
Sure, I look like I'm partly black, but I also look like I'm partly hispanic. It leaves people confused wondering what I am, and they try to skirt around the topic and bring it up creatively, while all the while wondering, "What is she??"
And sure, it's nice to create the confusion. It's nice to have them wondering. I like being mixed. I do. But what should I be focusing on? Should I give equal attention to both sides? Or, for that matter, should I give 50% of my attention to Puerto Ricans, 25% of my attention to Jamaicans, and 25% of my attention to those from the Cayman Islands? Not necessarily, because people don't only reach out to those in their own race. Or maybe they do. Maybe that's why BCF looks the way it does.
But should I give attention to my hispanic side? Should I be involved in LaFe? I don't feel called to lead hispanic people. I feel called to lead black people. But is that okay?
I want people to know the entirety of who I am. I want people to know me in my entirety.
(2/5/08)
Cake
I'm very excited about worship team next year. I'm still torn between two feelings: extreme humility at feeling unworthy to lead the team when it's going to be so new and fresh and people are excited. They could've thrown me in with a whole bunch of unexcited, inexperienced worshippers. That's what I'm qualified for. Not to be chosen to lead what could be a turning point in BCF worship.
Then there's the feeling that I am qualified. The feeling that I do deserve to lead. The feeling that I expected to be asked. That feeling rather scares me.
Reconciling the two feelings seems easy. For feeling unqualified, I simply let Jesus work through me. Easy enough. For feeling qualified, I simply surrender my pride to let Jesus work through me.
Piece of cake.
(2/5/08)
Then there's the feeling that I am qualified. The feeling that I do deserve to lead. The feeling that I expected to be asked. That feeling rather scares me.
Reconciling the two feelings seems easy. For feeling unqualified, I simply let Jesus work through me. Easy enough. For feeling qualified, I simply surrender my pride to let Jesus work through me.
Piece of cake.
(2/5/08)
Transcends all understanding
Rosemary is still pro-apartment. I'm still pro-dorms. The possibility of living together is looking slimmer.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but with everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phil. 4:6-7
(1/28/08)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but with everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phil. 4:6-7
(1/28/08)
Holiness
If I were to meditate on the idea of God's holiness, if I were to really think about what it means for God to be holy and what it means in relation to me, at least two things would happen:
1) My relationship with God would matter so much more. I would value my relationship with God a lot more than I do now. Our relationship would be taken to a completely new level. If I knew the magnitude and wonder of who God really is and I began to see Him again as a huge being who knew my best interest and everything under control 100% of the time, my relationship with God would be different.
2) Not only would my relationship be different, but I would begin to understand the depth of the relationship God intended to have with me. No longer would circumstances determine my relationship with Him. No longer would our relationship be based on how I think it should go.
You are holy
Oh, so holy
You are holy
Oh, so holy
What a privilege and an honor
To worship at Your throne
To be called into Your presence
As Your own.
(1/24/08)
1) My relationship with God would matter so much more. I would value my relationship with God a lot more than I do now. Our relationship would be taken to a completely new level. If I knew the magnitude and wonder of who God really is and I began to see Him again as a huge being who knew my best interest and everything under control 100% of the time, my relationship with God would be different.
2) Not only would my relationship be different, but I would begin to understand the depth of the relationship God intended to have with me. No longer would circumstances determine my relationship with Him. No longer would our relationship be based on how I think it should go.
You are holy
Oh, so holy
You are holy
Oh, so holy
What a privilege and an honor
To worship at Your throne
To be called into Your presence
As Your own.
(1/24/08)
Early the next morning
I think that God is calling me to live in the dorms another year. There are some sacrifices that come with that. There still is some reluctance on my part. But I'll obey.
Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
(Genesis 22:2-3)
(1/23/08)
Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.
(Genesis 22:2-3)
(1/23/08)
Holding plans loosely
The theme of this year seems to be making my plans and holding them loosely... as God comes in and slowly changes every one of them. First it was the whole major thing, deciding to switch from Communications (my comfort zone) to Design Media Arts (whoa...), causing me to be excited about the switch but stressed about how to do that. Then it was the study abroad thing, which in an instant I found out couldn't happen in the fall because of DESMA, so I had to change to the summer. Which, by the way, had hidden blessings because it now opens up the opportunity for leadership in InterVarsity and one less complication for housing next year.
Which segues me into my next point. I planned to go to an apartment with Rosemary, and everything was fine. We asked about apartments, we talked about it, we got excited, we started browsing for potential roommates. Then suddenly, I get the urge to stay in the dorms another year. Which I'm kinda fine with, because I enjoy the dorms. Enter conflict. Rosemary wants to go to the apartments. And I want to live with Rosemary. How do I reconcile the fact that God seems to be asking me to do something that I don't want to do and that doesn't seem as good as my plans, when I do know that He is good and that he has plans to prosper me? I want to live with Rosemary. If I live in the dorms again, I don't know who I'll live with, or if I'll have a good time.
I'm also having trouble hearing God's voice, because I won't allow myself to put down the wall and let God really let me know what He thinks. I need to sit down and ask Him, but every time I try, I don't let Him all the way in because I know that it's not easy and I'm afraid of what He'll say.
I listed the pros and cons of each... but I don't know which would be better. I'm still really torn. God knows His plans for me, and they're plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. Except I don't know what that is. And I don't know what that means. What would living in the dorms another year mean? I need a roommate.
God will work it out. I know He will. But it's frustrating that, once again, my thoughts are not His thoughts. I know I'll obey, and I feel it'll be hard. It brings me close to tears to think about what next year will be like... funny because 2 days ago, Rosemary and I were happily talking about apartments and discussing things like they were final. I didn't factor in the idea that God might have a different idea -- one that included Rosemary and me living apart. I get along better with Rosemary than I have with anyone else ever. And God is asking me to be willing to give that up.
That's hard. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
(1/21/08)
Which segues me into my next point. I planned to go to an apartment with Rosemary, and everything was fine. We asked about apartments, we talked about it, we got excited, we started browsing for potential roommates. Then suddenly, I get the urge to stay in the dorms another year. Which I'm kinda fine with, because I enjoy the dorms. Enter conflict. Rosemary wants to go to the apartments. And I want to live with Rosemary. How do I reconcile the fact that God seems to be asking me to do something that I don't want to do and that doesn't seem as good as my plans, when I do know that He is good and that he has plans to prosper me? I want to live with Rosemary. If I live in the dorms again, I don't know who I'll live with, or if I'll have a good time.
I'm also having trouble hearing God's voice, because I won't allow myself to put down the wall and let God really let me know what He thinks. I need to sit down and ask Him, but every time I try, I don't let Him all the way in because I know that it's not easy and I'm afraid of what He'll say.
I listed the pros and cons of each... but I don't know which would be better. I'm still really torn. God knows His plans for me, and they're plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. Except I don't know what that is. And I don't know what that means. What would living in the dorms another year mean? I need a roommate.
God will work it out. I know He will. But it's frustrating that, once again, my thoughts are not His thoughts. I know I'll obey, and I feel it'll be hard. It brings me close to tears to think about what next year will be like... funny because 2 days ago, Rosemary and I were happily talking about apartments and discussing things like they were final. I didn't factor in the idea that God might have a different idea -- one that included Rosemary and me living apart. I get along better with Rosemary than I have with anyone else ever. And God is asking me to be willing to give that up.
That's hard. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
(1/21/08)
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