For I know

Hi God. Today as we sang "I Surrender All," I asked myself, Gee, God, what do you want me to surrender? And I remembered everything. I have no idea what my major will be, how I'll graduate on time, how much ministry to do, if I should get a job, if I can get a job, who to invest in, what to say to her, how to deal with the other girl. And I'm overwhelmed because life is passing me by. I'm meeting and getting to know incredible people who are changing my life, who, tragically, who will leave my life once I graduate.

These thoughts had so plagued my soul that the weight was no longer foreign.

It is easy to surrender during the song. Then we transition into a faster song, a more upbeat one, about how we're all blessed and how You're awesome. And my mind wandered.

God, I really have a lot to study today. On my study breaks, I should start using Photoshop because the Ad Team will want me to know how to use it and so will anyone in DESMA and any job. I'm running out of time. Spring break I won't be able to do it and then the quarter starts again. Then I'll be gone all summer. Okay. I'm going to start today. I really need to learn the other Adobe programs too. When will I have time? I have to learn them. "For I know the plans that I have for you." If I'm going to make the Bruin Ad Team next year, I have to know them. Do I even have time for the Ad Team? I hardly have time for another commitment right now and I'll be adding that, the difficulty of DESMA, BSM, and leading worship. And I need to take four classes. "For I know..." Should I take four classes next quarter? But there's nothing left to take. I don't have to take gospel choir. I'll just petition for a DESMA class. It'll be 21 units but I can handle it. "For I..." I have to take four classes next quarter. I won't graduate on time if I don't...

Except the problem is, I've already gone through this in my mind. I've already rationalized the whole commitment thing and taking four classes and graduating on time. And all the while, there's a whisper, and a knowledge that You have everything under control. That You have controlled everything perfectly up to this point.

Why then do I worry?

(3/16/08)