Spain: Day 1

Today was a really long and lonely day.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

(6/30/08)

We made it official today.

(6/25/08)

[an entry from a journal of old]

12/14/05

The day Christiana didn't have any more pain. I was saying I didn't know why but I do. She was the ultimate act of obedience as she agreed to go through pain so that you could reveal yourself to other people. It's hard to think that she'll never come back, but my prayer is that you always keep her with me and remind me of the joyful things you've given me tonight. I don't want to ever forget how she's obeyed you. I promise to always give you the glory for everything and always thank you everytime you do something through her. I always want to remember how happy she is and how peaceful she is next to you. I want to handle this the right way and I want to help Serena handle this the right way. I love her. Christiana's my inspiration. I only hope that I can be an inspiration like she is.

I was interested to tell my parents about summer con because I wanted to see their reaction. I assumed that words of caution or a look of you're-moving-too-fast or outright disapproval would come.






They only smiled.
[and commented on my maturity]


(6/22/08)

I Wonder

[a compilation of stanzas written from 12/25/05-1/09/06]

I look at the rain
And I wonder what life would be
If you were still here.
(12/25/05)

I think of the ocean
And I look out 'til I can't see further
And I wonder what it's like where you are.
I wonder what it's like to know all
And to see what I can't.
(12/27/05)

I wake up early
To watch the sun rise
And as things get brighter
I wonder
What it's like where you are
Where everything is bright
And where the Son is always rising.
(12/30/05)

I smell the pine
And I am relaxed
And I find peace
And I wonder
What the peace is like where you are
If the piece of me
That was you
Will find peace too.

As I sing
My soft voice interrupting the silence
Ringing
I wonder
What it's like to be at His throne
Singing forever
And I don't want to stop

I think of your strength
And I wonder
What you were thinking
When you were sick
How did you courage come along?
How can I get the courage?
I wonder
How I can be like you
And be strong
(12/31/05)

I look at the stars
And feel the cold wind
And I shiver.
I picture your smiling face
Assuring me that everything will be okay
And telling me not to worry.
I wonder if you're right.
(later 12/31/05)

I awake in the morning
Thinking of you
Rolling over to check the clock
I stretch.
Then I remember
That you're gone
And I quietly lay back down
And go to sleep
Hoping it's all a dream
Wondering
If when I wake again
You'll still
Be gone.
(1/2/06)

I even dream of you
Of things as they were
And I wonder
If I'll dream of how things are now
And if the dreams I have now
Will hurt like they do
When I'm awake.
(1/6/06)

In my dreams
God speaks to me through you
Telling me that through it all
You're always with me
And I can
Also touch
People because we're together.
Then, a new wave comes
Not an overwhelming wave
Of salty chaos in a
Painful tsunami,
But a wave of peace
And I take a deep breath
And put the nightmares to sleep
I tell myself
Which includes you too
To have sweet dreams.
I no longer have to wonder
If I'll be okay
Because I can lay down
In peace
Knowing that you rest too
Knowing that you're always with me
That we're together forever.
Forever.
My wonder is calm. And I sleep.
With you.
(1/9/06)



i used to write a lot more back then.

(6/12/08)

revelation of the day:

i am only okay with being angry with God because i believe that my testimony will be stronger once i get through it. my future testimony is the only thing motivating me to sit in anger.

i haven't decided yet if that's okay.

(6/7/08)

"You pride yourself in being vulnerable, but you only allow yourself to be vulnerable to a certain point. You're only okay with being vulnerable as long as you can control it. Then there's the wall. Tonight's an opportunity to look past the wall and let people in. To show people that your life isn't perfect and that being truly vulnerable is okay. Tonight is an opportunity to show true worship. Tonight is an opportunity for you to engage with Me."
-God


(5/29/08)