This is what I wish for more than anything:
1) That I would know what complete freedom is like.
2) That she would know complete freedom and that she would fall deeply in love with Jesus.
3) That Christiana were still here.
4) That I hadn't said what I said to him.
But as angry as I still am at him, a part of me, the part that hurts for Serena and the part that God dwells in and the part that still believes he's a good person, a part of me still wants him to fall into Jesus' arms too.
I thought I was done dealing with it. But somehow I wrote it on a postcard. And somehow I wanted to tell someone.
I wish I knew what complete freedom looked like.
(2/27/08)
Why
does this keep happening? My heart aches every time. And I can't predict it either.
God, when will the ice finally be broken? And help Canticle 3:5 be true in my life. Amen.
(2/25/08)
God, when will the ice finally be broken? And help Canticle 3:5 be true in my life. Amen.
(2/25/08)
Joy
I am blessed. I am incredibly blessed.
I have finally realized what it means for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. You really do get strength from being filled with God's amazing joy.
(2/24/08)
I have finally realized what it means for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. You really do get strength from being filled with God's amazing joy.
(2/24/08)
I love.
God.
Rosemary.
Dykstra.
Lack of indecision.
My parents.
Jessica Pham.
God.
"All things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
(2/19/08)
Rosemary.
Dykstra.
Lack of indecision.
My parents.
Jessica Pham.
God.
"All things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."
(2/19/08)
Hold me
God, what are You testing? Please let me be open to what Rosemary wants. Help me to see what You're doing through this. Help me to see how I could live outside of Jess's area and outside the major support and still reach out to black students. Continue to confirm my decision as student leader regardless of where I live. I know that You don't give me more than I can handle. Give me peace. Help me to see past the manipulation and misunderstanding on both sides. You're the only One who understands. Wrap me in Your arms.
I need you, Lord.
Hear my cry.
Amen.
(2/16/08)
I need you, Lord.
Hear my cry.
Amen.
(2/16/08)
I've made my decision
"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path...
I am still confident of this;
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
-Psalm 27:7-11,13-14
(2/16/08)
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path...
I am still confident of this;
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
-Psalm 27:7-11,13-14
(2/16/08)
I really don't
like not knowing what's going to happen next year. The unfortunate solution to this problem is that God will send me issues that will test my patience and my faith in His plan.
I think I'm a really indecisive person. I've gotten better at this. Now my problem is that, because of my fear in making an unwise decision, I tend to oscillate between the two sides of the situation. In this case, I'm bouncing back and forth about whether to be a student leader or not. I don't know.
I really don't
know.
(2/14/08)
I think I'm a really indecisive person. I've gotten better at this. Now my problem is that, because of my fear in making an unwise decision, I tend to oscillate between the two sides of the situation. In this case, I'm bouncing back and forth about whether to be a student leader or not. I don't know.
I really don't
know.
(2/14/08)
Out-of-the-box adventures
Today's adventure was disappointingly anti-climactic. I guess this means that God should be in control of dictating my adventures rather than me.
Fair enough.
(2/13/08)
Fair enough.
(2/13/08)
Sweet and Sour
I was walking to the library and this class of 3rd graders were eating in the middle of their tour of UCLA. Two girls stood up and waved to me (everyone else was busy talking, laughing, etc) and I waved back and smiled. They got really excited and then I stopped to talk to them for a bit.
"We're playing sweet and sour," the girl explained.
"My sister used to love that game!" I told them.
(They smiled.)
"We've gotten 7 people so far!" the girl told me, holding up 8 fingers.
"Really! What grade are you guys in?"
"3rd."
Suddenly 5 more girls come up to me.
"UCLA's really pretty!"
"What does UCLA stand for?"
"Do you like it here?"
Then one girl boldly runs over and says, "I like your top!"
"Thanks," I said.
"I like your curly hair!" she continued. Then she ran over and grabbed her friend.
"We both like your top," she said.
"Thanks, I like yours too," I told them. They blushed and smiled and looked at what they were wearing.
"We're really into fashion," she told me.
"You should go to college for fashion and then do that when you grow up!" I said.
"We already want to. We're going to a fashion school."
Then the chaperone called them over and so I said bye. As I was leaving they giggled and whispered to each other.
If only they knew they'd made my day as much as I'd made theirs.
(2/12/08)
"We're playing sweet and sour," the girl explained.
"My sister used to love that game!" I told them.
(They smiled.)
"We've gotten 7 people so far!" the girl told me, holding up 8 fingers.
"Really! What grade are you guys in?"
"3rd."
Suddenly 5 more girls come up to me.
"UCLA's really pretty!"
"What does UCLA stand for?"
"Do you like it here?"
Then one girl boldly runs over and says, "I like your top!"
"Thanks," I said.
"I like your curly hair!" she continued. Then she ran over and grabbed her friend.
"We both like your top," she said.
"Thanks, I like yours too," I told them. They blushed and smiled and looked at what they were wearing.
"We're really into fashion," she told me.
"You should go to college for fashion and then do that when you grow up!" I said.
"We already want to. We're going to a fashion school."
Then the chaperone called them over and so I said bye. As I was leaving they giggled and whispered to each other.
If only they knew they'd made my day as much as I'd made theirs.
(2/12/08)
Attachment (10 mins later)
So I just finished posting this and suddenly God blesses me with a solution to fixing my scanner, a problem I've been trying to frustratingly tackle for weeks.
Normally when someone blesses me exceedingly, I attach myself to them.
What will be my response to God?
(2/12/08)
Normally when someone blesses me exceedingly, I attach myself to them.
What will be my response to God?
(2/12/08)
Attachment
I think I tend to attach myself too easily to people. I don't attach myself to everyone, but when I find someone attachment-worthy, I tend to do so. I grew up so used to having to pour out to people and feeling drained after being with them. Back then attachments were very rare. So when I meet someone who doesn't drain me, naturally, I get excited.
And I tend to emotionally cling.
I'm not sure if it's apparent to the victim because I think a lot of it happens in my head. I am constantly evaluating my relationships to see how much effort I should put into each one. Relationships change, so that a mutual friendship that I had when I was little now doesn't exist. It's hard to let those go, harder because I really like the person and like our friendship.
It hurts me when I realize that I really like one of my friends and I end up liking her more than she likes me. Sure, she likes me, but I wouldn't be her #1 choice to hang out with when she would be mine. I get excited whenever I am with her just becaues I really enjoy her company. There are just some people that I just like being around. No words need to be said. It's kinda like the fact that when I go home, I like running errands with my mom just to be with her because I've missed her. Or the fact that I like it when Rose decides to study in the room because I like being with her. No deep conversations necessary. Just their presence.
When I do realize that a certain friendship isn't mutual, I frantically search for a way to bless that person because of the unbalanced ways in which they've blessed me. I cling to the hope that the relationship will become mutual, but more often than not, it doesn't. My gifts are accepted with a polite thank-you and a hug, perhaps a tear, but the relationship doesn't change. That hurts me.
While I would love to sit here in my pity party and sigh about my friendships, God tells me instead that that's how I am with Him. He'll give me something, anything, just to be with me, and for awhile it's nice, but in the end, the relationship doesn't change. That hurts Him.
Funny how the spotlight suddenly went from me to Him...
(2/12/08)
And I tend to emotionally cling.
I'm not sure if it's apparent to the victim because I think a lot of it happens in my head. I am constantly evaluating my relationships to see how much effort I should put into each one. Relationships change, so that a mutual friendship that I had when I was little now doesn't exist. It's hard to let those go, harder because I really like the person and like our friendship.
It hurts me when I realize that I really like one of my friends and I end up liking her more than she likes me. Sure, she likes me, but I wouldn't be her #1 choice to hang out with when she would be mine. I get excited whenever I am with her just becaues I really enjoy her company. There are just some people that I just like being around. No words need to be said. It's kinda like the fact that when I go home, I like running errands with my mom just to be with her because I've missed her. Or the fact that I like it when Rose decides to study in the room because I like being with her. No deep conversations necessary. Just their presence.
When I do realize that a certain friendship isn't mutual, I frantically search for a way to bless that person because of the unbalanced ways in which they've blessed me. I cling to the hope that the relationship will become mutual, but more often than not, it doesn't. My gifts are accepted with a polite thank-you and a hug, perhaps a tear, but the relationship doesn't change. That hurts me.
While I would love to sit here in my pity party and sigh about my friendships, God tells me instead that that's how I am with Him. He'll give me something, anything, just to be with me, and for awhile it's nice, but in the end, the relationship doesn't change. That hurts Him.
Funny how the spotlight suddenly went from me to Him...
(2/12/08)
Heaping Spaghetti
I just saw a girl in the dining hall who I'm pretty sure is bulimic. I went to the dining hall by myself to just think (it's been a pretty quiet, stressful day) and sat in the corner table facing everyone so I could people-watch. As I was walking into the dining hall, a girl said that she had just come back from the bathroom and would they please let her back in. She insisted that she had gotten permission to go to the bathroom outside the dining hall and re-enter, and had a book at her table to prove it.
Turns out she's sitting at the table next to me. As I'm eating, I didn't notice her at first, just noticed that she went to the microwave to heat up a heaping plate of spaghetti. Once she finished the spaghetti, she started piling up plates from her tray to take to the conveyor. She piled five plates, a bowl, and a cup on top of each other and took those to the conveyor, leaving her book, tray and the remaining two plates and crumpled napkins behind. Naturally, as I silently watched this, I noticed that this was (or used to be) a lot of food.
She came back a few minutes later with two doughnuts and three pastries on a plate. I thought she was going to smuggle these out, but as she sat down and continued reading, she scarfed down the desserts like she was really hungry. And I kept looking at this girl to see if there was any evidence as to where all of this food was going. But she was skinny. Not skin-and-bones skinny, but thin. Normal.
Then, as I finished up my meal, she was done with the desserts and left her tray. I wondered if she was going to get even more food, or if I was simply blowing this out of proportion. She brought back a full glass of strawberry milk and chugged this down too. Then she went for more. Not wanting to be obvious as I sat there finished, I put my tray away and got a fruit. Then as I was leaving, I decided to take one last peek at this girl. She was back at the table, with another heaping plate of spaghetti.
My heart hurts for this girl. I wonder what's going through her head as she sits in the corner of the dining hall binging on all of this food where no one can see her. Looking around at everyone else, you see people talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. The thing is, she wasn't ugly either. Her back was to me while she was eating (hence it was possible for me to note in detail what she was eating) but I did catch a glimpse of her face when she enterred the dining hall and when she got up to get more food. She's pretty. I wonder what's going through her head, that she feels the need to eat so much, excuse herself from the dining hall for the bathroom, and then return for another feast.
God, please bring someone into that girl's life who can show her Your love. Open up her heart to the idea of a love that's unconditional. Fill her with Your love so that she will be able to smile. Amen.
(2/9/08)
Turns out she's sitting at the table next to me. As I'm eating, I didn't notice her at first, just noticed that she went to the microwave to heat up a heaping plate of spaghetti. Once she finished the spaghetti, she started piling up plates from her tray to take to the conveyor. She piled five plates, a bowl, and a cup on top of each other and took those to the conveyor, leaving her book, tray and the remaining two plates and crumpled napkins behind. Naturally, as I silently watched this, I noticed that this was (or used to be) a lot of food.
She came back a few minutes later with two doughnuts and three pastries on a plate. I thought she was going to smuggle these out, but as she sat down and continued reading, she scarfed down the desserts like she was really hungry. And I kept looking at this girl to see if there was any evidence as to where all of this food was going. But she was skinny. Not skin-and-bones skinny, but thin. Normal.
Then, as I finished up my meal, she was done with the desserts and left her tray. I wondered if she was going to get even more food, or if I was simply blowing this out of proportion. She brought back a full glass of strawberry milk and chugged this down too. Then she went for more. Not wanting to be obvious as I sat there finished, I put my tray away and got a fruit. Then as I was leaving, I decided to take one last peek at this girl. She was back at the table, with another heaping plate of spaghetti.
My heart hurts for this girl. I wonder what's going through her head as she sits in the corner of the dining hall binging on all of this food where no one can see her. Looking around at everyone else, you see people talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company. The thing is, she wasn't ugly either. Her back was to me while she was eating (hence it was possible for me to note in detail what she was eating) but I did catch a glimpse of her face when she enterred the dining hall and when she got up to get more food. She's pretty. I wonder what's going through her head, that she feels the need to eat so much, excuse herself from the dining hall for the bathroom, and then return for another feast.
God, please bring someone into that girl's life who can show her Your love. Open up her heart to the idea of a love that's unconditional. Fill her with Your love so that she will be able to smile. Amen.
(2/9/08)
Possible
Is it possible to
appreciate some aspects
of both parts of my cultures
while still focusing on
and being completely
secure
in the strongest part of my identity:
God?
(2/9/08 Happy birthday)
appreciate some aspects
of both parts of my cultures
while still focusing on
and being completely
secure
in the strongest part of my identity:
God?
(2/9/08 Happy birthday)
Gently
A dream.
So real, yet not
I felt her, touched her
Kissed her.
Looking at photos of a face deceased
Her face
She awoke, in bed
I went over, unphased.
Serena was there.
I sat with them, stroked her hair
She leaned into me.
She couldn't move much, but she could
Feel her legs.
She looked skinny, but not sick
We talked, laughed
I helped her move, my hand behind her head.
I was very gentle.
I knew she would die again soon, but I wasn't
Worried
Serena and I laid with her, faces touching
Her responses got slower
I didn't want to lose her
I was still calm
We were there for a funeral
But not hers
As people arrived for the funeral, I looked down.
I was wearing black.
I didn't want to leave her.
The funeral was starting...
I stalled.
I didn't want to leave her.
I never worried about her because somehow
I knew
This was a dream
I knew she wasn't supposed to be alive.
I held her head and gently laid it down
She was adjusting, and her head almost fell off the bed
She couldn't support her head
I caught her
Gently
I held her head
Stroked her hair
Kissed her
Gently.
(2/8/08) one day prior to her 13th birthday
So real, yet not
I felt her, touched her
Kissed her.
Looking at photos of a face deceased
Her face
She awoke, in bed
I went over, unphased.
Serena was there.
I sat with them, stroked her hair
She leaned into me.
She couldn't move much, but she could
Feel her legs.
She looked skinny, but not sick
We talked, laughed
I helped her move, my hand behind her head.
I was very gentle.
I knew she would die again soon, but I wasn't
Worried
Serena and I laid with her, faces touching
Her responses got slower
I didn't want to lose her
I was still calm
We were there for a funeral
But not hers
As people arrived for the funeral, I looked down.
I was wearing black.
I didn't want to leave her.
The funeral was starting...
I stalled.
I didn't want to leave her.
I never worried about her because somehow
I knew
This was a dream
I knew she wasn't supposed to be alive.
I held her head and gently laid it down
She was adjusting, and her head almost fell off the bed
She couldn't support her head
I caught her
Gently
I held her head
Stroked her hair
Kissed her
Gently.
(2/8/08) one day prior to her 13th birthday
Thirteen
By the way, Christiana's birthday is coming up. It's on Saturday.
She would've been thirteen.
She would've been a teenager.
She would've gotten her purity ring.
I wonder how Saturday will go. I wonder if I will feel.
(2/5/08)
She would've been thirteen.
She would've been a teenager.
She would've gotten her purity ring.
I wonder how Saturday will go. I wonder if I will feel.
(2/5/08)
Entirety
Am I betraying my Puerto-Rican-self by only focusing on black people for BCF? Technically, am I even black?
Sure, I look like I'm partly black, but I also look like I'm partly hispanic. It leaves people confused wondering what I am, and they try to skirt around the topic and bring it up creatively, while all the while wondering, "What is she??"
And sure, it's nice to create the confusion. It's nice to have them wondering. I like being mixed. I do. But what should I be focusing on? Should I give equal attention to both sides? Or, for that matter, should I give 50% of my attention to Puerto Ricans, 25% of my attention to Jamaicans, and 25% of my attention to those from the Cayman Islands? Not necessarily, because people don't only reach out to those in their own race. Or maybe they do. Maybe that's why BCF looks the way it does.
But should I give attention to my hispanic side? Should I be involved in LaFe? I don't feel called to lead hispanic people. I feel called to lead black people. But is that okay?
I want people to know the entirety of who I am. I want people to know me in my entirety.
(2/5/08)
Sure, I look like I'm partly black, but I also look like I'm partly hispanic. It leaves people confused wondering what I am, and they try to skirt around the topic and bring it up creatively, while all the while wondering, "What is she??"
And sure, it's nice to create the confusion. It's nice to have them wondering. I like being mixed. I do. But what should I be focusing on? Should I give equal attention to both sides? Or, for that matter, should I give 50% of my attention to Puerto Ricans, 25% of my attention to Jamaicans, and 25% of my attention to those from the Cayman Islands? Not necessarily, because people don't only reach out to those in their own race. Or maybe they do. Maybe that's why BCF looks the way it does.
But should I give attention to my hispanic side? Should I be involved in LaFe? I don't feel called to lead hispanic people. I feel called to lead black people. But is that okay?
I want people to know the entirety of who I am. I want people to know me in my entirety.
(2/5/08)
Cake
I'm very excited about worship team next year. I'm still torn between two feelings: extreme humility at feeling unworthy to lead the team when it's going to be so new and fresh and people are excited. They could've thrown me in with a whole bunch of unexcited, inexperienced worshippers. That's what I'm qualified for. Not to be chosen to lead what could be a turning point in BCF worship.
Then there's the feeling that I am qualified. The feeling that I do deserve to lead. The feeling that I expected to be asked. That feeling rather scares me.
Reconciling the two feelings seems easy. For feeling unqualified, I simply let Jesus work through me. Easy enough. For feeling qualified, I simply surrender my pride to let Jesus work through me.
Piece of cake.
(2/5/08)
Then there's the feeling that I am qualified. The feeling that I do deserve to lead. The feeling that I expected to be asked. That feeling rather scares me.
Reconciling the two feelings seems easy. For feeling unqualified, I simply let Jesus work through me. Easy enough. For feeling qualified, I simply surrender my pride to let Jesus work through me.
Piece of cake.
(2/5/08)
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