Attachment

I think I tend to attach myself too easily to people. I don't attach myself to everyone, but when I find someone attachment-worthy, I tend to do so. I grew up so used to having to pour out to people and feeling drained after being with them. Back then attachments were very rare. So when I meet someone who doesn't drain me, naturally, I get excited.

And I tend to emotionally cling.

I'm not sure if it's apparent to the victim because I think a lot of it happens in my head. I am constantly evaluating my relationships to see how much effort I should put into each one. Relationships change, so that a mutual friendship that I had when I was little now doesn't exist. It's hard to let those go, harder because I really like the person and like our friendship.

It hurts me when I realize that I really like one of my friends and I end up liking her more than she likes me. Sure, she likes me, but I wouldn't be her #1 choice to hang out with when she would be mine. I get excited whenever I am with her just becaues I really enjoy her company. There are just some people that I just like being around. No words need to be said. It's kinda like the fact that when I go home, I like running errands with my mom just to be with her because I've missed her. Or the fact that I like it when Rose decides to study in the room because I like being with her. No deep conversations necessary. Just their presence.

When I do realize that a certain friendship isn't mutual, I frantically search for a way to bless that person because of the unbalanced ways in which they've blessed me. I cling to the hope that the relationship will become mutual, but more often than not, it doesn't. My gifts are accepted with a polite thank-you and a hug, perhaps a tear, but the relationship doesn't change. That hurts me.

While I would love to sit here in my pity party and sigh about my friendships, God tells me instead that that's how I am with Him. He'll give me something, anything, just to be with me, and for awhile it's nice, but in the end, the relationship doesn't change. That hurts Him.

Funny how the spotlight suddenly went from me to Him...

(2/12/08)